I’d apologize

I would

I’d apologize forever

about this sadness

but its an infection

I caught it quite by accident

I asked a simple question

quite the most catastrophic thing I’ve ever done

and now its swept into my bloodstream

and I have a fever

delirious with its fire

I kept myself quite busy today

trying to fight it off

I packed up all of you

littering all this space

and I put you into bags

and my body heavy and aching

I carried you around the corner

and across the parking lot

to toss you up and over

it wasn’t so hard

but I weakened my body further

and I’m so sick with all of this

this infection is growing stronger

the sadness just tearing me down

and I just breathe in and out

my eyes staring straight ahead

and I stared at you for two years straight

memorizing every line of your face

and how you were perfect in every angle

and when you smiled I was ok

and today I threw you away

I tried to throw myself away

just to stay close to you

but with a prick of an answer

you made me sick

and I’m laying here dying

precious life a waste of time

when will it end?

How does life go on without you in it?

This is not what I meant

Omg this is not what I meant

and I would take those words away

throw them in some dark abyss

and lean in close for just one more kiss

this sadness invaded and enveloped

and now I’m just a shadow of myself

I’d apologize for being sick

but I never saw it coming

and I didn’t duck

and it didn’t miss

 

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Devoted

Is it devotion?

fear of failure?

am I somewhere

stuck in between?

I’m a limbo bimbo.

It’s a shame.

Take another step,

and they’re all the same.

Right turn, right turn

Right turn into a circle.

Perfect 360

degrees of nonsense.

I’m devoted to this insanity,

caught up quick.

I close my eyes

as I toe the lines

and blur the truth

with what I fantasize.

And I’m so devoted,

to this dream I once had.

And reality is a loser

in any case.

In this case,

I’m a lonely defeated,

devoted devotion whore

and I’m devoted

like never before

to this sadness and this pain

and this ache.

I’m devoted to this hell,

and this memory,

and this dying wish

pressed against my lip.

I can’t escape this,

to want what I give.

My devotion is dissonance,

there is no harmony,

and I wobble weak-knee’d

searching for balance.

I see with my two eyes

and clarity is sharp

within my mind,

but my heart and her

devotion, she skips a beat

skips a lot and traps me here.

I’m trapped and I’m free

and I can see but my heart is blind

and stupid and dumb.

And I’m devoted to her restless rustle

within my breast and I listen with half an ear,

and I cut out my tongue.

I’m afraid of what I’ve become.

Wrapped up in pretty bow-ties

and slashed with pretty ribbons

and I kneel where I should stand.

I’m a mess and I’m devoted

to this fear.

Heart wrapped up in stitches

and a brain full of holes.

Moth eaten memories

of a dream once bold.

To this devotion that I give

and be given in return?

Hide

some days I’m so afraid of pain, I’ll do anything to avoid it

other days, I want to fling myself through a window

and watch my blood flow

watch as the red soaks the ground

but today I’m snatching back all the droplets

shoving them back inside

and gathering them close

crouching low and far from windows

to sit in shadows that hide me from the world.

Alcoholics can kiss my…

An open letter to the Pain.

I don’t want to hear your I love you’s.

I don’t want to hear that you feel bad.

I don’t want you to tell me “I’m sorry it took so long.”

I don’t care anymore.

You have this thing about you.

It slices and cuts me where the scars have tried to heal.

And this mind-fuck you’re trying to pull?

I won’t be the victim.

I won’t let you be the victim.

I won’t console you.

I won’t fall into your trap.

Not again.

I don’t care.

I don’t want you to feel better about yourself.

I don’t want you to apologize.

I don’t want you to weep.

I don’t want you to speak.

In fact, I don’t want you to think about me.

Cut me out like a diseased cancer.

Tear me from your mind.

Destroy what evidence you have that I was even ever there.

Just leave that shelf bare.

And just remember, one tiny little thing.

It was you all along who showed me.

You showed me how much of you was never there.

You showed me how much I was supposed to care.

Unwanted Furniture

Here I am, a human being feeling

a piece of furniture getting pushed

pained toes and bruised shins

and shoved across the floor

unwanted and misplaced

never time and plenty distance

left out on the curbside

forgot how to breathe

and here I am, a human being feeling

used up and thrown away

no need and no more want

buried under forgotten dreams

unwanted and misplaced

thrown aside for love of

forgot how to think

pushed and thrown

unwanted and misplaced

Sacrifice

Understand there is no meaning to this word

its not something you can understand

sacrifice is something you have to do

bending reality and suffering though it

skewing and breaking the image you have

and tiny little shards that poke and stab

and when you bleed it overflows

and you have to stretch your arms wide

to catch the moment and throw it back

just so you can survive what

the universe has made

And you know you see a perfect miracle

and the spot just for you has been empty

and in this new picture you feel this pain

as the sun shines brightly over there

in that heaven you almost had

but instead you sit in hell

where your heart and your demons

have bade you to come and dwell

and there’s an equal balance

a razor’s edge that slices you in two

when the thread gets pulled and you feel a tug

and you’re sewed up a jagged ragged mess

and so you suffer with this pride that you have

done what is right and you die inside because

you even had to make this sacrifice.