Thinking of other things

“I’m waiting” he said.

“For what?”

“For you to grow a brain.” I traced his perfect lips with my lingering gaze.

The way he forms the words and pushes them away with breath and tongue.

“To think of other things.” His beautiful dark eyes begging me to understand.

But how? What other things are so important?

When his beauty is a sonnet that throbs within me.

What other things are as captivating as the feel of his skin against mine?

What other things are better than studying the way he breathes

Or if his nostrils flare when he’s angry

Or how I feel when he’s inside me

Or how he laughs and his eyes crinkle just so

What else is more important than understanding what eternity feels like when he’s holding my hand

And what is more important than I am more me when I am breathing his air

And can someone please tell me what other things are more important than understanding this universe that made me made me for him?

And when I feel the vibration of the universe’s answer to my prayers coming through the speakers, what is better than being reminded I gave away my heart and soul?

What can I think of that’s more important than the way my molecules have come to be so that I can lay with my feet pressed to his feet?

What’s more important than forgetting about ego and just being?

Adrift in the chaos of the expanding universe and I am eternally his?

So, I try to think of other things.

How the butterflies have come and sip the nectar from the flowers by day.

How the ground feels soft beneath my feet after it rains.

How I enjoy the smiles of strangers I meet in the store.

Wondering what memories that drop of water holds as its fallen apart and reformed over and over since the beginning of time.

How that child will eventually grow into a man and I hope his heart is strong enough to survive it.

But nothing feels more important than remembering how time split open and my soul was his and he was mine and I saw forever swaying back and forth in his eyes.

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I’m not ready

I don’t think I’m right for this

You see?

It’s like a wave is crashing over me

And darkness is all that I can see

And I’m not fighting this

I don’t want to break the surface

Set myself free

I’m loving being drowned

Loving that I love him

And I’m in a certain current

And the world is spinning around me

And here I have the choice

To kick up and reach a hand for help

Or stay beneath

Being slowly crushed to death

Eyes closed tight

and I can almost taste his lips

Heartbeat a steady rhythm

And I can almost feel his breath

So, no, I’m not right for this

And there’s no obligation

that I should live

Without all this

And I’m not coming up for air

When I can almost see his face…

 

Changeling

It all began with a scratch

a tiny tear into the skin

and I started to pick

I wanted to see more

of what was inside

to tear a gap

and see what made me tic

what makes my blood run thick

what exactly makes my breathing quick

I dug so deep

through every layer that there was

and I divined all that I could see

and somehow it wasn’t enough for me

to get so far

to have reached an end in this way

and  so, the very next day

I worked backwards

and tried to fix

all that I had torn apart

and climbing to the surface

I filled the wound

covering the gap

smoothing it out as best I could

but it was different now

changed the story of what was

to what now is

and I only learned so much by going down

and digging deeper

but I’m no sleeper

and the very next day

I decided to find my answers

by looking in another direction

one I hadn’t previously entertained

I picked a position and followed that path

going straight and in circles

new wavelengths and vibrations

that swung me out

with more questions crowding in

and I can only know what I have learned

thus far

and tomorrow is another day

but until it become this moment

I can only go this way

picking up these new colors

and understanding that I am nothing

without the rest of all of this

and that cannot be what that is

if I am not a part of the whole

and so today I awoke

knowing that I am only as limited as my perception

and I have more to learn and different roads to travel

I’ll never know it all

the me today can’t know what I’ll know tomorrow

because today is going to change me

and who can tell what treasure I seek

or where I will be in a week?

And I’ll be glad in every moment

welcome every scrape against my brain

pinch in my heart

and ache in my bones

until I stand in a new dimension

One I won’t know

until my journey of this time and place

change and evolves into a new face.

 

 

 

 

Untrapped

Day off, sun shining

hair clean and makeup on

and I’m sitting in front of my laptop

music plays and I’m hoping for something

to make sense

trapped in the city

suffocating on exhaust fumes

lights blinking and twinkling

and I never see the fucking stars anymore

constant humming of electricity that flows through

and we forget we are made with electricity

we are power and life and vitality

but we eat our crap

and suck on our happiness

and there’s nothing

because its all a trap

do this

do that

and I’m still here missing the stars

and the buzz of insects

and the smell of earth

and I’m soon to turn the ignition and start my car

drive along the burning asphalt

and when can I let my bare feet sink into the grass?

and lay in the sunshine

and be held close to your chest

and listen to the rumble of your voice

as you tell me wonderfully fantastic dreams

my hand held in yours and we’re dreaming

and we’re alive and loving and life is good

and life is life

not made up

not a trap

and I feel free when your lips are tasting mine

and my eyes are closed

and the world falls away

and this would be life

without all the traps

 

Today is a good day

Today is a good day my people

Happiness and truth are deliberate

and you must fight every day

to make it transpire

it started at the beginning

when your heart was struck with lightning

and your life began

your voice is the conscience of the universe

and what you speak will be

when all hearts are united

Keep your eyes open

and your ears listening

there are truth speakers

and brothers and sisters of the soul

speaking to you

send your love back

send it back into the universe

you were created for love

you were created for me

and I was created for you

and together we bring change

and wonderment to the world

and remember

we are together in all of this

breath begets breath

life begets life

and love is abundant

there is enough for me to take

and for me to give

and today begins the beginning

we’re taking it back

stay positive

stay alert

stay in love

 

back to me

I can’t sleep

I’m thinking of everything

and I have a vision in my head

and a prayer in my heart

and I never pray

who would I pray to?

So its a benediction I send out to the universe

that created me and set me here

to be here in this moment

with these fears and hopes and dreams

and a reckless heart

and a war torn soul;

please bring him back to me…….

and its the only thing I crave

somewhere I lost my soul along the way

I think I left it back in the rain soaked grass

and when I wasn’t looking

he knelt down and gathered her up

and in his pocket he carried her with him

so you see, he has me, and I need him

so please, please

please bring him back to me.

Mess

I’m not sure how I feel

for real

I’m a bipolar mess

it’s love

and other days its hate

And I’ve shifted left

and wandered and lost my way

being right

And all I know for sure

when I let it

It hurts

sometimes Its good

and sometimes I’m a fool

I wonder

while I wander

aimlessly thinking

always overthinking

if you’re real

or just illusion

And I’m stuck in this circle

without a single reassurance

I can’t let go

I’ll sink to the bottom

and somehow you

somehow its you

I can’t fucking live without you

And I hate myself

because I know I’m right

I’m so right about being wrong

and you’re my cancer

my weakness

and I’d cut you out

to save myself

but you’re too deep

and I can’t fucking live without you.