Hope to die

I once had a dream

we were taking a walk

the sun was high

and the air was warm

the pavement beneath our feet

soundless as we lazily meandered

no destination in mind

as I held your hand

and you smiled

as you looked at me

as though I made you happy

and as you threw your head back and laughed

I fell back

behind

just a couple steps

to watch and bask

and dream

just a little daydream

and before I knew it

the sun was falling

and the air was growing chilly

and there was a door just ahead

and as you looked back and held your hand out

you stepped forward

and I saw a change

as though you were now part of the galaxy

and everything was part of you

the moon and all the stars

and the dark of space clung to  you like skin

and you were happy

I tried to follow you

but I had to stay behind

and through that doorway I watched you

its not my time

not yet

but soon I will follow you

my skin dark and sparkling with starlight

and we will be eternal

and never ending

for now I sit and wait

watching

loving you from here

while you are there

and time is not matter

just a door through dimensions

where we will meet again and again

and every night

separated

miles and

oceans

I endeavor to dream this dream

a silent deadly hope

buried in my brain

and burning in my heart.

Empty Night

the girl awoke, sometime in the middle of the night.

She awoke to sweaty sheets and cold air,

and the empty bed.

The girl wandered around the empty rooms,

empty.

And when the girl stepped outside for a smoke,

she listened to the empty night.

And she was awake.  More awake than she’d been.

Leaving the dreams of girlhood behind.

Awake and lonely in the night,

the girl forgave the lie the earth had gave her.

Lies of passion that warmed her blood.

The girl forgave hope, for ever being constant.

She forgave herself for dreaming for so long.

She forgave the words the people spoke.

She forgave the world for telling her of love.

For in the empty cold aired night,

awake and silent, she listened to her heart.

The girl listened to the echoes of the lies she had told herself.

The lies she wrapped around herself and colored her vision.

And she stepped away from the hazy daydream world.

The girl looked into the eyes of when she became.\

Abandoning the warmth and the light,

she let the ice and cold cover her and fill her lungs.

Standing and staring into forever, the dark her home.

 

combobulated

Just read an article that I so related with.

And I’m feeling sorry for this guy,

cuz he know exactly how shitty I have felt,

in exactly the same way I have felt.

All because of undeveloped coping skills.

Tragic to get this far in life without a clue.

and its funny, and I’m kind of giggling,

because there is hope.

And I was never alone, and there was someone else

out there making friends with my same demons.

I’m happy to know that I can be happy,

function like a normal person,

and keep my demons too.

I struggled so long thinking I had to give them up.

Because without them, who then would I be?

the voices in my head, berating and beating me.

Voices I’m familiar with.  Content with their cadence.

But I can learn to hear them, feel their vibration, remember them,

and focus on the things that make me happy all at the same time.

I can put that panic button high up on that shelf inside my brain.

I can keep it with me, but make it less handy.

I don’t have to be a monster and that’s a relief.

Because sometime I hate myself and I don’t know why.

since its always easier to bury hard feelings,

instead of holding these pieces to the sunlight,

and seeing and analyzing and revisiting them and gaining new perspective.

Do what you’ve always done and never question why.

Or sit with yourself in the silence of the early morning,

and have a look deep inside.  to that place before you learned to hide.

to before you learned the world was ugly.

take it out and look real close,

that is you, and you are lovely, and human, and never alone.

sometimes I remember this.  Every ten years or so.

so thank you, to the pitiful soul who sadly understands.

And for reminding me it doesn’t have to be this way.

 

 

Bring it Back

they had all disappeared

all the flowers

and color was fading

running away

to find the sun

and there I was

in this picture

shapes and a hot breeze

and nothing there to guide me

and show me the way

the sound had died long ago

I was lost and pining for the world

I used to know

Landscapes full of wonder

and treasure buried in the clouds

the song and hum and chirps

from earth to me

gone and going

and I was lost

afraid to move and follow along

afraid I’d lose this memory

and soon I would fade

disappear and try to find the sun

I held out my hand and traced

horizons with my fingertips

and screamed into the nothing

that was absorbing everything

I screamed so long I felt like dying

until a fleck of blood erupted

and flew and splashed across the sky

Magic and I breathed in fury

as I fought to dream again

there, at the end of my hand

far along this arching line

earth and sky met and there they sang

and my fingertips created fire

that bled into the red

the colors I refused to let go

and the nothing began to creep

as I began to cry, teardrops fell

and oceans began to howl

where the the blue of my sorrow

began to fill and the skies were perfect

mirrors cocooning this transformation

and others began to spill back into the picture

and we began to sing and fill the nothing with sound

and painted the earth back with love.

We all began to sway and twirl and dance

got the galaxy back on track.

And with every breath we pushed and shoved

and made the nothing into something,

a retreating shadow.  A memory of what never was,

and when we dreamed, the moon came back and

added the suck and hiss of a farewell kiss.

Life came back and we tended to it.

Embraced it and loved it.

We just had to remember the words

the words that build and shape

and create.  Life and love, hope and a reason to dream.

It isn’t

I asked you to simply stand and look

see exactly what I see

so you can understand

a dead hope

I’ve dug it up

trying to resurrect, but I know

how utterly dead it truly is

shriveled and lifeless

limp and defeated

But I gave it a go

tried to stroke it

put my lips together

and blew it

and my jaws are aching

and yet you walk around half cocked

as though its all my fault

I’m just asking you to turn the other cheek

feel what its like from down here

trade spaces and let me be on top

But it is what it isn’t

and so I begin again and simply

eat what you feed me

and obey your commands

but its broken now

and the texture’s not right

and somehow I don’t gag and cry

when I’m choking on your lie

 

Dreamin’

Oh how my heart spins

dancing on the winds

your words are magic

nothing so tragic

just crazy thoughts

harbored in broken pots

that leak and traumatize

these fantasies behind these eyes

and I could scream with joy

because you’re my bad boy

my one and only

I’m not so lonely

when I’m dreamin’

and we’re schemin’

this is what I’m about

let’s take this new route

dissolve into these dreams

and slow dance on moon beams.