I Fell

Dear Gods, I fell in love.  I fought as hard as I could.  I stayed true to my brand of crazy.  I did a swan dive, pushed my wings back and fell.   I don’t know where to go from here.  I want to touch his lips and smell his breath and have a love party in his arms.  I want to wrap myself in nothing but him and forget the rest of the world.  I want to dream and  laugh and cry and scream and and just be in love.

He’s mine.  He’s been mine for years now.  I forgot that I was in love with him.  I got paranoid and started living in a world without him.  I let this other world consume me, heart, mind and soul.  He tells me I’m crazy.  I am crazy.  I forgot about reality.  I forgot we are living this life together.  We’re together.  He’s mine.

I didn’t know being in love also meant taking every day as it comes.  Its not always passion and fucking and feeding each other chocolate in bed.  We have bills and jobs and goals.  I miss him when he’s not here.  I miss him when he’s right next to me.

I miss myself and who I thought I used to be.  I go crazy and in this dark paranoid world where I am all alone I know who I am.  I recognize me.  This new person who is emerging I don’t recognize.  I don’t know who she is and she doesn’t know what she’s doing.  She has no skills.  She has nothing but dreams and memories and nightmares and fears.

I’m waking up from my escape world.  I don’t know how to function and I keep fighting to go back to that place where I am nothing but his.  Nothing but his.  That’s all I remember how to be.  It’s all I ever dreamed of being.  Nothing more than his.

And now, the real world is calling.  I need toilet paper.  I have to leave my cozy apartment where I can curl up on the bed and inhale his manliness and dream.  I have to find a job and be a participant in other worldly things.  I can’t just stay here and be his.  I have to love him this new way too.

I can do this.  I can go out.  I can do things.  I can miss him.  I can be alive with purpose and goals and achievements.  I can love him anyway.  I can grow and learn and reach for those stars.

I’m terribly afraid, that if I let go, it will all be gone.  Because, when I let go, I don’t hold anything back.  I let it all go.  When I finally fall, and I did, I have to fall so hard I’m consumed by nothing else.  I have to find balance.  I have to quit analyzing.  I have to shut up and live and let it all go.  Can’t control everything anyway.

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