Muted white noise

Some Expectations

I want to say

Still alive and well

and I hold my mouth

biting my tongue

I’m swallowing blood

I want you to see

What I’m trying to say

There are no words

that could ever tell

the story quite so well

My teeth are locked

jaws are aching

Can’t you see?

What I’ve been saying

between the static

and the lines

Imagery and poetry

songs and hymns

worship

and sometimes

sometimes

sometimes

blasphemy and profanity

sacrilege and disbelief

where I devote

all that I’m not saying

just so you will see

what cannot be said.

 

Advertisements

Never

I never was

more alive

than when

you

were killing

all that

struggled to

breathe and

thrive and

grow within

that dark

room

stale and

suffocating

stealing light

so that all

there was

left inside

was a

mangled

what could

have been

corpse

if only

I didn’t

love

to

die

this

way.

Inaction

Waiting, waiting and waiting.

Wait!!!

Wait?!!

Waaaaiiiiittttt……………………………….

It’s heavy, all this waiting.

Can’t believe I’ve been waiting all this time.

Seriously, what are you waiting for?

Can’t go on waiting forever.

Wait?  Please wait?!!

Nevermind, you go.  I’ll wait right here.

I’ll wait for it until I die.

Apparently, waiting for forever.

No.  No.  No more waiting.

Says the girl waiting for tomorrow.

 

What if

And even when you had me at my lowest, I still believed.

I believed with my heart, but my brain was still split in two.

I couldn’t make sense of anything.

Not even you.

And when you held me down, I still had hope.

I hoped with all my soul, but I couldn’t hold on to a single moment.

Can’t it just be enough that I want you.  I’ll never be enough.

I feel like I could have made better choices.  But, really?

What choice did I even have?

Sure, there were other options.  I had plenty.

And even in the face of this diversity,

I still chose this path.

As though, I was a lone piece of sand, thrown into the universe

on this one trajectory, only to end up here with you.

That’s the only sense I can make of it.  Nothing cosmically tragic happened.

But, what if something had happened?

Would the shift had been so wide and vast I wouldn’t have even noticed?

Would that one small bump in time have been so small?

What if my chosen trajectory had shifted, and I had no way of knowing.

Would I still be just as perfectly happy?

I am perfectly happy.  That is terrifying.

Knowing just one thing could throw it all away.

One tiny thing.

Lies 2

Arriving to that doorway in my mind, I stood still.  Straight ahead of me was my own damnation.  I stared at this entryway.  This portal.  I should feel ashamed I keep playing this game.  If this was my hell, I might as well enjoy it.

Looking over my shoulder, I smile that predator smile.  That smile that says I know what I’m doing and so do you, but we both love the torture.  You know it?  Good.

I slid the tip of my tongue along the fullness of my bottom lip.  I watched as you watched. I saw when your fingers slowly moved to you lips, tracing the exact path my tongue had just traveled along my own.

I waited for your breathing to hitch up.  Only a little, though.  I wasn’t ready yet.  I held your gaze with mine.  Promises being made.    Bargains struck.  Deals made.  No going back.  No running.

I began.  Again, knowing it couldn’t be right.  You sat there, with your fingers tracing the paths of rivers along my thigh.  Again creating another fragment.

Dual awareness, the present and the future.  I took a deep breath and remembered.

“I found you.  Or you found me?  There? Never before.  But always now.    Somehow, the circumference of space between us began to shrink.  Become smaller.  You became much larger, growing so big you were the only thing I could see.

Somehow without any conscious thought to it at all, I began to isolate myself.  While you came nearer I closed all the doors around me.  Until it was me and you.  And this.

I wanted to suffocate from this.  Let it smother me.  Bury me.  I wanted to know that you were here with me.  That you were real.  I’m real.  Nothing else can be this real.

I remember I was naked and you were almost there, I tried to hide.  There was no where I could go.  I believe you orchestrated this dance.  All the moves are your choreography.  I’m spellbound.

I’m afraid and exhilarated, breathless.

Your hands are so strong, and yet your touch so light.  You underscore all other sensations with your slightest touch.  I’m not sure how I didn’t shatter right then.

The strength in your hand as it wrapped around my neck like a collar.  Holding my head up and gaze locked on your face.

Complete control until I broke.  You broke me in the most delicious way.  I laughed as all the pieces fell.

You closed your eyes to mine.  Inhaled deep, inhaled us.  And made your point.  Made sure I knew who owned me.  Branded me and labeled me.

With one last thrust, you declared with your seed, “You are mine!!”.

As you straightened up and readied to leave, our eyes met.

I won this round.”

 

 

 

Complex

Is there a purpose?

An endgame?

I have no reason

for anything

to be at all.

I’m not

looking

in your scriptures.

I’m not

listening

to your songs.

I want to bury

myself

in the earth.

Just so I can feel

whole

again.

Or take a trip

to outer space

and jump.

See how far

forever

really is.

Begin at the start.

End never.

No purpose.

No direction.

Stasis.

Peel myself out of my skin.

Dig deep beneath

the

muscle and sinew and bone.

Tear apart

the

atoms and molecules.

Discover

the

nothingness holding me together.

If nothing is there, then where am I?

Am I?

To Be Honest

I’m gonna lie and steal.

I’m gonna bite and scratch.

I’m gonna fight and run.

I’m gonna laugh and cry.

To be honest, I’m gonna revel in this misery.

Treat it like a sport.

Challenge accepted.

Bloodbath, bloodthirsty, bloodletting.

Discontent, disconnect.

Maniacal glee.

Torture.

Pleasure.

I’m gonna win.

I’m gonna enjoy this.

I’m gonna hoard these memories.

To be honest, I’m gonna worship at the altar of your destruction.