Complex

Is there a purpose?

An endgame?

I have no reason

for anything

to be at all.

I’m not

looking

in your scriptures.

I’m not

listening

to your songs.

I want to bury

myself

in the earth.

Just so I can feel

whole

again.

Or take a trip

to outer space

and jump.

See how far

forever

really is.

Begin at the start.

End never.

No purpose.

No direction.

Stasis.

Peel myself out of my skin.

Dig deep beneath

the

muscle and sinew and bone.

Tear apart

the

atoms and molecules.

Discover

the

nothingness holding me together.

If nothing is there, then where am I?

Am I?

To Be Honest

I’m gonna lie and steal.

I’m gonna bite and scratch.

I’m gonna fight and run.

I’m gonna laugh and cry.

To be honest, I’m gonna revel in this misery.

Treat it like a sport.

Challenge accepted.

Bloodbath, bloodthirsty, bloodletting.

Discontent, disconnect.

Maniacal glee.

Torture.

Pleasure.

I’m gonna win.

I’m gonna enjoy this.

I’m gonna hoard these memories.

To be honest, I’m gonna worship at the altar of your destruction.

 

 

New

There was something new here.  Something that wasn’t here before.  I couldn’t touch it.  I could only somehow see parts of it.  It was something that you had to be paying attention to see it.  Watch as it shifted, the shapes sliding along the picture in your mind.  Defining everything you knew differently.  Another dimension of sense.

I could only feel it with a gut instinct.  A presence I had always known, like it had been sleeping all this time.  Now it was awake and aware, and so I was aware of it.

I thought I should be afraid.  This new thing should terrify me.  But somewhere, on a plane of existence I had just discovered, I knew it.  And I knew it knew me.  We knew more together than we ever had apart.

I thought I should think this thing unnatural.  Only it was the most natural thing of all.  I felt nothing but euphoria.  This new level of one.  Of being.  Of whole.

My whole body, this universe that was awake and living, being twisted and bent and flung into forever.  Who can ever say what this is?

Maybe its nothing.  Maybe its being out in the darkness of space with no one but you.

Maybe it doesn’t matter.  Maybe it’s all matter.  Maybe it’s anti-matter.

That distance of nothing that ever was.  That absolute presence that has no substance.

Filling everything.

 

Lies

 

I want to write a book someday.  Because books are freaking awesome!!!

 

I couldn’t leave it like that.  It was all wrong and I could feel him staring at me in disappointment.

“No,” he says, shaking his head.  “That’s not how it happened.”  Standing he begins to prowl the room.  His energy frantic.  “Begin again.”  His voice so hoarse and thick, I feel the madness to surrender all my secrets.  “This time, tell the truth.  Start from the beginning.”  The hard angle of his jaw, a complete contradiction to the softness of his lips.  Somehow I had to go back, and remember it all over again.  He insists its never right.

This demon tortures me so.  He punishes me, and until I remember it exactly the way he remembers it, we’ll be locked here.  I’ll never remember it the way he does.  I’ll never know what he felt and saw and tasted.  I’ll never know.  I’ll never win this game.

Staring out the window I don’t see the birds gliding on the breeze.  I don’t see the sunshine casting long shadows.  Its descent barely registered as I progressed back in time.  I went all the way back, to that time.  I can’t get it just right because I’m changed.  I’m more now.  Its not as simple as it once was.

I start walking this footpath I’ve worn into my memories.  Its worn and bare here, where I continuously walk.  The other trails are faint.  I know where they lead, it seems those paths aren’t as important now.  They were of some other time.  A time where I was simple and I was me.

 

 

Knock Knock

I feel like this could be awesome if I was a better writer.

 

There’s a knock at the door.  I’m happily just leafing through the www.  I get up out of bed to answer.  Music thumping slow and sexy in the background.  There’s a beautiful man outside my door.  The kind of man I was just wishing for.

“Can I help you?”  My eyes never leave his lips.  Just holding my breath and waiting for his answer.  He doesn’t.  He doesn’t say a word.  Just stares at me.  Somewhere in his gaze is a fire burning hotter than the fires of hell.  Its just burning slowly, slight flickers to the sound of my heartbeat.  Thumping harder every second.

“Is there something you need?”   Fire climbs and burns even hotter as his lips quirk up sideways.  He grins and nods his head, just a tiny movement really.  But I’m so aware of every single detail.  Standing taller, dripping with this feral stalking grace.

He brushes my whole body as he pushes his way in.  Every nerve ending awake and thrumming.  Its so hard to breathe, I’m suffocating from his nearness, but I close the door anyway.  There’s this fear in me, that somehow he already owned a piece of me.  Some small part of me I would never get back.

Standing by the door, not daring to move.  He knows right where I am.  I can’t make a move, or he’ll pounce.  He’ll rip me apart a thousand different ways.  I’ll never find all my pieces.  Once I move, my whole being would be reshaped.  I would live in this new reality, be it heaven or hell.

The song ended, and there was this deafening silence.  A moment paused.  This heat and awareness building.  His eyes staring into mine.  I exhaled.

His hand landed on my neck, holding me still, so still as his face drew closer to mine.  A new song began as his lips descended to mine.  Slowly, every press light as an angel’s kiss. I couldn’t catch my breath as his lips and breath and tongue stole my soul.  Seducing it out of my body.  One slow inch at a time.

My body shivered as his hand traced cracks into my skin, exposing the nothingness that burrowed underneath.  Shredding me and tearing me apart.  My hands fists in his hair as I climb his body, desperate to reach somewhere higher, so I can hide and keep a piece of myself.

A reminder to myself of who I was the moment before he pushed inside me, and filled me with his fire.  To wake up on the other side, in heaven, or hell?

My fingernails are burrowed into the skin of his back, holding on to something as hard as I could, so I didn’t fly off into space.  Finding I was grounded now to the most center part of myself.  A new world being born in that one connection.

Friction so intense the flames grew hotter,  I sob as I give birth to a new universe.

Spasming, I yield.  I forfeit.  I bow to my new master.

Its just that I feel like I’ve been living my whole life under a rock.  And only now, am I trying to figure out life.  I had to rearrange it, all of my molecules.  Putting pieces back in their correct places.  Finally putting the pieces back where they belonged all along.  The scrambly feeling of a bad audio wave fading away with each new sensation.

Sliding back down his body, I accepted the fact that someone had had to die.  That someone was me.  I slid down into this madness where I burned from the fires of his hell.  Finding that these fires burned me to my purest element, where I felt holy, above the pains of hell.

There he was, this great beast of fire, who had snatched my soul with his kiss.  Shrugging back into his clothes, straightening his shoulders he shifts his hands, tucking my soul into a pocket.

I knew there was a great battle to be waged.  I looked forward to each and every skirmish on the way to the end.  The big blow-out.  The moment I exploded into nothingness.  Obliterated by the only heat I had ever known.  Expelled from existence by the one thing I craved.

 

 

The Sea & You & Me

you know, how sometimes you remember awesome shit that happened in life, and one of those moments was by the sea where you were falling madly in love? This is just my little moment
How I remember when I fell
I think I had to write it down for those moments when I forget we are a romance story

 

 

I was awash in a sun drenched day.  The pebbles under my feet caressed and tickled, while the wind was chill and blustery.  It was bluffing though.  It brought no change.  It brought no rain.   So the drought remained, and the dust blew, and I remembered the sea.

I remembered waking in your arms, the blue of the sea as she stretched and played morning after morning.  I remember the intoxicating aroma of your body, and how when it mixed with mine I thought of heaven.

I remember the chill as she crept across the floor and slid like a lover up our calves.  I remember the heat of your hand as it wrapped around my neck, tangling in my hair and pressing me to your lips, where I drowned in the universe that is only you.

I remember when you pushed up and you caught me off guard and I went laughing through space, and you joined me there, and we held hands as we slowly came back to earth.  When you held me as we watched the sea shudder its way off the beach.

I remember this romance that happened, and I can’t let go and I can’t forget.  There is now a layer of memory, of me and of you, in that room by the sea.  Where we lived and breathed and lived only in each other.

The sun washed me today, lifted me while the wind blew in, chasing out the fog.  I remember that time, where you were mine and I was yours and the sea was our only song.  I remember your lips and your eyes and your tongue and your taste.

I remember you babe.  I remember.

I Fell

Dear Gods, I fell in love.  I fought as hard as I could.  I stayed true to my brand of crazy.  I did a swan dive, pushed my wings back and fell.   I don’t know where to go from here.  I want to touch his lips and smell his breath and have a love party in his arms.  I want to wrap myself in nothing but him and forget the rest of the world.  I want to dream and  laugh and cry and scream and and just be in love.

He’s mine.  He’s been mine for years now.  I forgot that I was in love with him.  I got paranoid and started living in a world without him.  I let this other world consume me, heart, mind and soul.  He tells me I’m crazy.  I am crazy.  I forgot about reality.  I forgot we are living this life together.  We’re together.  He’s mine.

I didn’t know being in love also meant taking every day as it comes.  Its not always passion and fucking and feeding each other chocolate in bed.  We have bills and jobs and goals.  I miss him when he’s not here.  I miss him when he’s right next to me.

I miss myself and who I thought I used to be.  I go crazy and in this dark paranoid world where I am all alone I know who I am.  I recognize me.  This new person who is emerging I don’t recognize.  I don’t know who she is and she doesn’t know what she’s doing.  She has no skills.  She has nothing but dreams and memories and nightmares and fears.

I’m waking up from my escape world.  I don’t know how to function and I keep fighting to go back to that place where I am nothing but his.  Nothing but his.  That’s all I remember how to be.  It’s all I ever dreamed of being.  Nothing more than his.

And now, the real world is calling.  I need toilet paper.  I have to leave my cozy apartment where I can curl up on the bed and inhale his manliness and dream.  I have to find a job and be a participant in other worldly things.  I can’t just stay here and be his.  I have to love him this new way too.

I can do this.  I can go out.  I can do things.  I can miss him.  I can be alive with purpose and goals and achievements.  I can love him anyway.  I can grow and learn and reach for those stars.

I’m terribly afraid, that if I let go, it will all be gone.  Because, when I let go, I don’t hold anything back.  I let it all go.  When I finally fall, and I did, I have to fall so hard I’m consumed by nothing else.  I have to find balance.  I have to quit analyzing.  I have to shut up and live and let it all go.  Can’t control everything anyway.