Exploring

I find myself needing to explore these

feelings?

I’m having a hard time

because this situation is unique

and weird

its disconcerting

and my balance is fucking off

I literally do not know where I stand

and I’m trapped beneath this avalanche

but its still in motion

and I’m spinning wildly

and being buried and smothered

and I have something caught in my throat

and it burns and aches

but I’ve cried and cried until the river ran out of water

and I’m stuck with this choking

and my breathing is labored

and I’m afraid

so terribly lost and all alone

and I’m still expected to be happy?

but all my dreams of love and lust

and happy together

are somewhere trapped in gray

And it hurts so goddamned bad

I wanted that man

the one I dreamed about

and I made silly wishes on shooting stars

and I stayed up all night just to catch glimpses of them

Just trying to make enough wishes

so I could have him

I wanted that man who said he loved me

and that man who held me in his arms

and when I looked into his eyes I saw it

it was there

burning like suns and lighting up my whole world

and I wanted that man

the one I wished for

to want me by his side

and he couldn’t live without me

and every mile between us

was an ache inside his heart

and he needed to hear my voice telling him I loved him

in the quiet dark of the night

when the world is still

and we’re together

just a breath away

but here I am

fighting to find a moments peace

so I can find a way to rest

because his body isn’t here

no warm skin

no chest to rest my head upon

no heart beat to lull me to sleep

and he’s gone away

a pillow beneath his head

and dreams

he gets to dream

sleep a friend he never missed

days full of sunshine and laughter and love

and not a moment of loneliness

and he doesn’t need me to tell him I love him

he doesn’t need to hear my voice

and he doesn’t open his mouth

he doesn’t say the words to set me free

and I’m trying to take back all the wishes

every single one

and they’re getting stuck inside my throat

the stars I’m calling back from the dark cold sky

and they’re cutting me and filling me

and did I mention how fucking bad this hurts?

He still says I love you

hasn’t noticed I can’t say it back

I wonder if his world is gray or black

does he hurt inside like he’s dying

or if he feels nothing at all

and could he just open his lips

and let the words slash their way across the ocean

to come and carve out what is left of my heart

so I can die smothered under this avalanche of gray

freeze in this frozen tundra

alone and wrapped in pain

all my dreams of sunshine

soft kisses and loving whispered words

melting to black.

A clean and empty slate.

Something final.

Just open your mouth and say the words

and cut the line and set me free

Or tell me this has all been a dream

and that you’re coming back to me

to once again lay beside me

dream beside me

laugh beside me

just be beside me

Like we’d been planning all along.

Ease this pain inside me

or kill me swift and sure

don’t just leave me

with questions

burning holes inside me.

 

 

 

No more magic

I’m at that point of exhaustion

numb in every corner of my heart

and my mind wants to remember

everything we could have been

side by side through thick and thin

dragons playing hide and seek behind the stars

rain turning to ash as we bathe in fire

sleeping curled up like yin and yang

but you had the heart of a coward

and as the words slipped off my tongue

you planned your great escape

Houdini with the key to my heart

and in no time at all you were gone

disappearing with the rising sun

a deceiver and a thief

I’m numb and I’m cold

hiding behind a spiral galaxy

desperately trying to kill the fire

coat it up in thick layers of ice

just trying to survive the night

the numb a welcome relief

and I’m done feeling the pain

of my soul split in two

I’m done being the fool for you

I am the fierce and mighty dragon

and you?

You are the weak and brittle branch

I crunch beneath my feet.

Changeling

It all began with a scratch

a tiny tear into the skin

and I started to pick

I wanted to see more

of what was inside

to tear a gap

and see what made me tic

what makes my blood run thick

what exactly makes my breathing quick

I dug so deep

through every layer that there was

and I divined all that I could see

and somehow it wasn’t enough for me

to get so far

to have reached an end in this way

andĀ  so, the very next day

I worked backwards

and tried to fix

all that I had torn apart

and climbing to the surface

I filled the wound

covering the gap

smoothing it out as best I could

but it was different now

changed the story of what was

to what now is

and I only learned so much by going down

and digging deeper

but I’m no sleeper

and the very next day

I decided to find my answers

by looking in another direction

one I hadn’t previously entertained

I picked a position and followed that path

going straight and in circles

new wavelengths and vibrations

that swung me out

with more questions crowding in

and I can only know what I have learned

thus far

and tomorrow is another day

but until it become this moment

I can only go this way

picking up these new colors

and understanding that I am nothing

without the rest of all of this

and that cannot be what that is

if I am not a part of the whole

and so today I awoke

knowing that I am only as limited as my perception

and I have more to learn and different roads to travel

I’ll never know it all

the me today can’t know what I’ll know tomorrow

because today is going to change me

and who can tell what treasure I seek

or where I will be in a week?

And I’ll be glad in every moment

welcome every scrape against my brain

pinch in my heart

and ache in my bones

until I stand in a new dimension

One I won’t know

until my journey of this time and place

change and evolves into a new face.

 

 

 

 

Dear Sister

You wanted me to write you something

and I couldn’t think of what

what don’t you know about

the way you’re a part of me

of my every breathing moment

you’re never far from thought

and I’m always thinking of your smile

and how we laugh when we’re together

and you get my sense of humor

and you understood

every single word I ever muttered

and you never hesitate to be there for me

god, and I hope you never know

you’re my only tether to this world

and that without you

I’m not really me.

 

Longing

I missed you

I whisper against your neck

as my arms are wrapped around you

and your brain is in far off places

and I’m just holding you tight

and I realize I’m still missing you

and I’m looking back over my shoulder

and looking into someone else’s eyes

saying the words I can never speak ever

and time is passing with

every press of kiss against

another loversĀ  lips

and you’re all I can see, your breath invading me

and its your warm body I’m holding close

and your eyes are two burning suns in far off galaxies

remembrance of those other times

in other places

where we belonged together

and here we are

as far apart

as

ever.

A wide open doorway

and acres of space

its my cheek pressed against your face

your whispers falling back into my ears

and I want to break away from reality

our feet are dancing in the sand

and time is abrupt as its shifting gears

and I’m here again, my lips pressed against your neck

swallowing I miss you back into oblivion

pushing away I break contact

break connection

and I’m sitting in my room

and the sun is coming in through the corner of my window.

 

 

Thunderings

I step out into the cool evening air

and I’m trying to clear my mind

so I can change my heart

and suddenly there’s a call across the sky

and its thundering in my ears

and I’m feeling the thundering in my heart

beating out a tempo

I raise my hands up to the sky

answering the call to the wild

opening my mouth I scream my joy

and my feet are moving faster than lightning

and there’s a blue streak trailing behind me

but I am burning red hot and melting things around me

and laughter erupts and shoots past my lips

and my eyes are shining brighter than the sun

I am free and shooting through the galaxy

faster and faster I go

until I’ve passed through all of time and space

and I’ve found the beginning

before time was a thing

before thought was born

and all I was doing was laying there with you

my body pressed up tight to yours

and the sun is shining down on us

and we’re bathed in greens and blues

and with every pass of my fingertips

and the rise of your gooseflesh

we told another story

about that time before time began

when everything was bright and shiny new

and the thunderings in our hearts

were the song that began the beginning and the end.

To begin and end

light bleeding into darkness…

Untrapped

Day off, sun shining

hair clean and makeup on

and I’m sitting in front of my laptop

music plays and I’m hoping for something

to make sense

trapped in the city

suffocating on exhaust fumes

lights blinking and twinkling

and I never see the fucking stars anymore

constant humming of electricity that flows through

and we forget we are made with electricity

we are power and life and vitality

but we eat our crap

and suck on our happiness

and there’s nothing

because its all a trap

do this

do that

and I’m still here missing the stars

and the buzz of insects

and the smell of earth

and I’m soon to turn the ignition and start my car

drive along the burning asphalt

and when can I let my bare feet sink into the grass?

and lay in the sunshine

and be held close to your chest

and listen to the rumble of your voice

as you tell me wonderfully fantastic dreams

my hand held in yours and we’re dreaming

and we’re alive and loving and life is good

and life is life

not made up

not a trap

and I feel free when your lips are tasting mine

and my eyes are closed

and the world falls away

and this would be life

without all the traps