I’m not ready

I don’t think I’m right for this

You see?

It’s like a wave is crashing over me

And darkness is all that I can see

And I’m not fighting this

I don’t want to break the surface

Set myself free

I’m loving being drowned

Loving that I love him

And I’m in a certain current

And the world is spinning around me

And here I have the choice

To kick up and reach a hand for help

Or stay beneath

Being slowly crushed to death

Eyes closed tight

and I can almost taste his lips

Heartbeat a steady rhythm

And I can almost feel his breath

So, no, I’m not right for this

And there’s no obligation

that I should live

Without all this

And I’m not coming up for air

When I can almost see his face…




Curled up in my bed for days

And I can’t listen to the radio

Stupid song that plays all afternoon

How long does it take?

And I’m curled up in my bed for days…

There’s rain against the windowpane

It rains almost every day

How long does it take?

Curled up in my bed for days

How long does it take?

Future behaviours

I tried today to be the norm

To sit a while and enjoy some company

Failing to find some witty banter

Failing to stumble upon a common ground

Failing to enjoy a moment of broken solitude

I can’t

I simply cannot be bothered

Not enough to care

About the bonfires I will miss

Or all the beers I could drown my sorrows in

I will not miss the everyday trivialities

The everyday drama sucking life away from the simple minded

I just want the sunsets and a beach a song blown to me

A message from the universe

An understanding that less is so much more

And a soul to stand beside my own

As time riddles itself into knots

Bending and twisting yesterday into tomorrow

And tomorrow Into forevermore



Have you ever been so afraid to fall asleep

To hear the voices telling you

The truths that shred your heart in two

And you wake up in a panic telling yourself no

And your mind is a wreck of tangled blankets

All wrapped up and smothering your waking moments

I cut my fingers to let the voices out

I hold my breath whenever they start to shout

And I stay awake as long as I can

Drown myself in awfully written books

Losing my will to live in the flickering light of the t.v.

Slowly strangling myself to catch a break

And maybe next I’ll try a bridge and learn to fly

Above the flowing river that swells

A rampage of fear I’ve been dwelling in

I love you

More than the moon loves the sun

I love you

More than Elon Musk loves space

More than a baker bakes

More than my heart can take

And with shaky fingers

I press and scratch and tear and rake

To that sacred space inside

Where MY love for you abides

And I pull and pull until it’s finally free

All this love I have inside of me

Blood dripping from my fingertips

Pulse still gently throbbing and I press

my heart into your waiting hands

You keep it

And I’ll keep this burning hole

This gaping wound inside my chest

The raw and aching place I loved you best.

Dying Dreams

Today is a dark day

A day of death

My dreams and wishes had

Their chance to breathe and grow

And in his arms I found a truth

Adam, in his garden of Eden

Was the talking snake

Hungering for more

The devil was a human after all

Burning with hell in his chest

The same way I do now

And those two minutes I stole from time

All I will ever remember

Of the heaven I cherished with

The sweetness of his lips pressed to mine

How perfectly our bodies felt

Pressed close

Two perfect circles entwined

Today I learn to bask in the fires of hell

My punishment for wanting more than I should.

Sweet Lucifer

Sweet Lucifer

With your golden horns upon your head

You heard my call

My one remaining wish

And like a scorpion you embedded it with poison

As it left your fingertips

And me a starving woman

Dazzled by its beauty

I took the gift you gave to me

Even as the world turned gray

And behind the smiles that came with it

The happiness I gained

There was always a prick of insanity

Poking into me

And as I dove into my happiness

The shadows behind me grew heavy

But I kept my eyes forward

Desiring my prize

And I thank you

For giving me one more taste

As poisoned as it is

For a life worth living

As your darkness climbs over me

To carry the light that is within

To the depths of hell

Where I’ll pay the price

Of being two souls entwined

In that perfect circle of give and take

My breath for his

My soul for a dream.