Rambled in a moment

The worst thing about all this

panic and anxiety and insanity

is that, well fuck, is that it exists

different dimensions of reality

I live for these moments

for when it passes

and I can breathe again

and think again

and I’m totally not freaking out

and I’m thinking about space

and how with our limited perceptions

we can only understand

what  is literally right in front of us

that is all we can perceive

through all of our senses

through emotion

and we’re so limited

in these sacks of skin

with these eyes

and our ears

and our noses always stuck in something

books, gossip, freshly baked cookies

and it comes down to

are you happy?

are you happy blinking away

this time

with your favorite song

and that movie you love

and the people you hug

and the forgiveness you give

yourself

ughhh, and I’m rambling here

but I had an idea

maybe I’ll think it over later

and something good will come of it

but only if its whole

I’m not doing broken bits

and fractured moments anymore

I want the whole picture

its a beautiful mesmerizing thing

and I am only part

and so are you

and we’re part of this whole thing

as the human element

and I think we forgot that somehow

but I want you to remember

like I’m remembering now

and it is good

to be whole.

Empty Shelf

There was a glass

I placed it high

upon a shelf

I couldn’t reach

when the light

was just right

it shown with

fire alive and bright

A man came by

late one night

and saw my glass

deciding he must

have it for himself

I begged him not

to take it

down

please, just let it be

but he took it

from the shelf

and in his hands

he cradled it

gently

for a while

and when he was

done he let it

go

shattered it upon the floor

and walked away

without a backward

glance

and now my shelf is empty

the fire gone

the light useless

as it graces

emptiness.

Waste of technology

Tonight I changed the wall paper on my phone

to the picture of you and me

the one where you look sad

and I’m still pretending to be happy

as we take our last trip

to the airport together

and I’m pressing my lips to this image

over and over

and I’m asking god

all the gods

to bring you back to me

so I can taste your lips

just one more time

just two more minutes of time

just bring my love back to me

and I’m screaming it in my head

and I don’t think they can hear me

I should feel like and idiot, huh?

The gods never listen

but the devil does

and he can have my soul

if he’ll just bring you back to me

and that’s foolish as well

he doesn’t need me

the walls have crumbled

and the hearts of men

have been burnt

every day in sin

and love so pure

can never win

 

Hope to die

I once had a dream

we were taking a walk

the sun was high

and the air was warm

the pavement beneath our feet

soundless as we lazily meandered

no destination in mind

as I held your hand

and you smiled

as you looked at me

as though I made you happy

and as you threw your head back and laughed

I fell back

behind

just a couple steps

to watch and bask

and dream

just a little daydream

and before I knew it

the sun was falling

and the air was growing chilly

and there was a door just ahead

and as you looked back and held your hand out

you stepped forward

and I saw a change

as though you were now part of the galaxy

and everything was part of you

the moon and all the stars

and the dark of space clung to  you like skin

and you were happy

I tried to follow you

but I had to stay behind

and through that doorway I watched you

its not my time

not yet

but soon I will follow you

my skin dark and sparkling with starlight

and we will be eternal

and never ending

for now I sit and wait

watching

loving you from here

while you are there

and time is not matter

just a door through dimensions

where we will meet again and again

and every night

separated

miles and

oceans

I endeavor to dream this dream

a silent deadly hope

buried in my brain

and burning in my heart.

Anxiety

Is a total bitch

and I, sometimes

her slave

She’s a sneaky devil

a voice inside my head

a picture I can’t control

a fear that swallows me whole

a storm raging out of control

and she swirls me around

trapped inside a leaky boat

and all around me

crashing waves in cold and confusion

and I’m right

I’m so right

I know I’m right

and I’m on the offensive

attack attack attack

and you bleed

slashed and torn

and dying

and what have I done?

Then the storm clouds clear

and the lighting flashes

in the distance

and the thunder is trembling

in my chest

and I’m holding onto

your tattered body

Filled with shame I apologize

and I beg for mercy

Your eyes tired of the fight

looking into mine

what have I done?

You forgive me

one last time

as that anxious bitch slips away

back into a corner of my brain

until I think I’m lucid

and I feel sane

to tiptoe her way back

twisting images

and sounds

and all your truth

and all your love

and I’m a raging mess again

 

I’d apologize

I would

I’d apologize forever

about this sadness

but its an infection

I caught it quite by accident

I asked a simple question

quite the most catastrophic thing I’ve ever done

and now its swept into my bloodstream

and I have a fever

delirious with its fire

I kept myself quite busy today

trying to fight it off

I packed up all of you

littering all this space

and I put you into bags

and my body heavy and aching

I carried you around the corner

and across the parking lot

to toss you up and over

it wasn’t so hard

but I weakened my body further

and I’m so sick with all of this

this infection is growing stronger

the sadness just tearing me down

and I just breathe in and out

my eyes staring straight ahead

and I stared at you for two years straight

memorizing every line of your face

and how you were perfect in every angle

and when you smiled I was ok

and today I threw you away

I tried to throw myself away

just to stay close to you

but with a prick of an answer

you made me sick

and I’m laying here dying

precious life a waste of time

when will it end?

How does life go on without you in it?

This is not what I meant

Omg this is not what I meant

and I would take those words away

throw them in some dark abyss

and lean in close for just one more kiss

this sadness invaded and enveloped

and now I’m just a shadow of myself

I’d apologize for being sick

but I never saw it coming

and I didn’t duck

and it didn’t miss

 

Exploring

I find myself needing to explore these

feelings?

I’m having a hard time

because this situation is unique

and weird

its disconcerting

and my balance is fucking off

I literally do not know where I stand

and I’m trapped beneath this avalanche

but its still in motion

and I’m spinning wildly

and being buried and smothered

and I have something caught in my throat

and it burns and aches

but I’ve cried and cried until the river ran out of water

and I’m stuck with this choking

and my breathing is labored

and I’m afraid

so terribly lost and all alone

and I’m still expected to be happy?

but all my dreams of love and lust

and happy together

are somewhere trapped in gray

And it hurts so goddamned bad

I wanted that man

the one I dreamed about

and I made silly wishes on shooting stars

and I stayed up all night just to catch glimpses of them

Just trying to make enough wishes

so I could have him

I wanted that man who said he loved me

and that man who held me in his arms

and when I looked into his eyes I saw it

it was there

burning like suns and lighting up my whole world

and I wanted that man

the one I wished for

to want me by his side

and he couldn’t live without me

and every mile between us

was an ache inside his heart

and he needed to hear my voice telling him I loved him

in the quiet dark of the night

when the world is still

and we’re together

just a breath away

but here I am

fighting to find a moments peace

so I can find a way to rest

because his body isn’t here

no warm skin

no chest to rest my head upon

no heart beat to lull me to sleep

and he’s gone away

a pillow beneath his head

and dreams

he gets to dream

sleep a friend he never missed

days full of sunshine and laughter and love

and not a moment of loneliness

and he doesn’t need me to tell him I love him

he doesn’t need to hear my voice

and he doesn’t open his mouth

he doesn’t say the words to set me free

and I’m trying to take back all the wishes

every single one

and they’re getting stuck inside my throat

the stars I’m calling back from the dark cold sky

and they’re cutting me and filling me

and did I mention how fucking bad this hurts?

He still says I love you

hasn’t noticed I can’t say it back

I wonder if his world is gray or black

does he hurt inside like he’s dying

or if he feels nothing at all

and could he just open his lips

and let the words slash their way across the ocean

to come and carve out what is left of my heart

so I can die smothered under this avalanche of gray

freeze in this frozen tundra

alone and wrapped in pain

all my dreams of sunshine

soft kisses and loving whispered words

melting to black.

A clean and empty slate.

Something final.

Just open your mouth and say the words

and cut the line and set me free

Or tell me this has all been a dream

and that you’re coming back to me

to once again lay beside me

dream beside me

laugh beside me

just be beside me

Like we’d been planning all along.

Ease this pain inside me

or kill me swift and sure

don’t just leave me

with questions

burning holes inside me.