Starts and stops

How many how many how many

Starts and stops and stuttering breaths

Starts and stops my heart thumping in my chest

Starts and stops and I’m reconciling reconciling reconciling there’s nothing left

How many starts and stops before it stops

Licking the tears from off my lips

How many starts and stops and I’m hesitating breath trapped in my lungs

How many how many how many days til I can see anything but your face

Starts and stops sunlight filtering through the trees

Puckered clenching throbbing racing through my veins

Start the day

Stop the day

Start the day

Stop the day day day

Pull my blanket over my face

Stop the day

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Thinking of other things

“I’m waiting” he said.

“For what?”

“For you to grow a brain.” I traced his perfect lips with my lingering gaze.

The way he forms the words and pushes them away with breath and tongue.

“To think of other things.” His beautiful dark eyes begging me to understand.

But how? What other things are so important?

When his beauty is a sonnet that throbs within me.

What other things are as captivating as the feel of his skin against mine?

What other things are better than studying the way he breathes

Or if his nostrils flare when he’s angry

Or how I feel when he’s inside me

Or how he laughs and his eyes crinkle just so

What else is more important than understanding what eternity feels like when he’s holding my hand

And what is more important than I am more me when I am breathing his air

And can someone please tell me what other things are more important than understanding this universe that made me made me for him?

And when I feel the vibration of the universe’s answer to my prayers coming through the speakers, what is better than being reminded I gave away my heart and soul?

What can I think of that’s more important than the way my molecules have come to be so that I can lay with my feet pressed to his feet?

What’s more important than forgetting about ego and just being?

Adrift in the chaos of the expanding universe and I am eternally his?

So, I try to think of other things.

How the butterflies have come and sip the nectar from the flowers by day.

How the ground feels soft beneath my feet after it rains.

How I enjoy the smiles of strangers I meet in the store.

Wondering what memories that drop of water holds as its fallen apart and reformed over and over since the beginning of time.

How that child will eventually grow into a man and I hope his heart is strong enough to survive it.

But nothing feels more important than remembering how time split open and my soul was his and he was mine and I saw forever swaying back and forth in his eyes.

I’m not ready

I don’t think I’m right for this

You see?

It’s like a wave is crashing over me

And darkness is all that I can see

And I’m not fighting this

I don’t want to break the surface

Set myself free

I’m loving being drowned

Loving that I love him

And I’m in a certain current

And the world is spinning around me

And here I have the choice

To kick up and reach a hand for help

Or stay beneath

Being slowly crushed to death

Eyes closed tight

and I can almost taste his lips

Heartbeat a steady rhythm

And I can almost feel his breath

So, no, I’m not right for this

And there’s no obligation

that I should live

Without all this

And I’m not coming up for air

When I can almost see his face…

 

Sleepless

Have you ever been so afraid to fall asleep

To hear the voices telling you

The truths that shred your heart in two

And you wake up in a panic telling yourself no

And your mind is a wreck of tangled blankets

All wrapped up and smothering your waking moments

I cut my fingers to let the voices out

I hold my breath whenever they start to shout

And I stay awake as long as I can

Drown myself in awfully written books

Losing my will to live in the flickering light of the t.v.

Slowly strangling myself to catch a break

And maybe next I’ll try a bridge and learn to fly

Above the flowing river that swells

A rampage of fear I’ve been dwelling in

Dying Dreams

Today is a dark day

A day of death

My dreams and wishes had

Their chance to breathe and grow

And in his arms I found a truth

Adam, in his garden of Eden

Was the talking snake

Hungering for more

The devil was a human after all

Burning with hell in his chest

The same way I do now

And those two minutes I stole from time

All I will ever remember

Of the heaven I cherished with

The sweetness of his lips pressed to mine

How perfectly our bodies felt

Pressed close

Two perfect circles entwined

Today I learn to bask in the fires of hell

My punishment for wanting more than I should.

Time

I’m stealing time

A few more moments

Trapped in a box I made

For living and dreaming

And I am awake

While your eyes are watching mine

This time for now as the minutes tick by

Into tomorrow another time begins

Where the suffering is real again.

the time where I want to die again.

And I remember this time now in the

cold and Frozen winter The Stolen

Moments I kept you close and I’ll

treasure them like tiny diamonds

hidden in the snow.