Drowning

The ghosts that whisper to me

as I sit in solitude

the center of our mattress

and I’m fucking drowning here

And I hear your words

Stay

Be Happy

Don’t wait

I’m drowning

and I’m loving it

this sorrow that breaks me

I am so broken

cleaved in half

and the knife was dull as fuck

and there are jagged torn bits of flesh

and they’re sitting in the center of our mattress

where we loved and laughed

where we dreamed

and I want to ignite them

watch them burn

turn to ash

return to nothingness

and you’re a shadow in the corner of the room

one that disappears as soon as I dare to look

and my soul is drowning in this agony

this dying pool of need and want

I have to leave

I cannot stay

not when you haunt me here

and your memory is so fucking clear

and we’re done before we began

I can’t sleep

and I can’t eat

and when I think the tears are gone

my eyes are drowning and burning

and I want to cut them out

and I’m in love with this dying wish

to drown in all this sorrow  you made

just as much as I’m in love with you

if I stay

like you said

I’ll never be happy

and I’ll wait forever

dead and gone

drowned inside this abandoned home

its night again

and the demons are coming

and I’m so afraid

you’re not here and I’m not safe

and when I open my mouth to scream

I’m choking on this wave

of absolute desolation

devastated

finally beaten.

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Longing

I missed you

I whisper against your neck

as my arms are wrapped around you

and your brain is in far off places

and I’m just holding you tight

and I realize I’m still missing you

and I’m looking back over my shoulder

and looking into someone else’s eyes

saying the words I can never speak ever

and time is passing with

every press of kiss against

another lovers  lips

and you’re all I can see, your breath invading me

and its your warm body I’m holding close

and your eyes are two burning suns in far off galaxies

remembrance of those other times

in other places

where we belonged together

and here we are

as far apart

as

ever.

A wide open doorway

and acres of space

its my cheek pressed against your face

your whispers falling back into my ears

and I want to break away from reality

our feet are dancing in the sand

and time is abrupt as its shifting gears

and I’m here again, my lips pressed against your neck

swallowing I miss you back into oblivion

pushing away I break contact

break connection

and I’m sitting in my room

and the sun is coming in through the corner of my window.

 

 

Thunderings

I step out into the cool evening air

and I’m trying to clear my mind

so I can change my heart

and suddenly there’s a call across the sky

and its thundering in my ears

and I’m feeling the thundering in my heart

beating out a tempo

I raise my hands up to the sky

answering the call to the wild

opening my mouth I scream my joy

and my feet are moving faster than lightning

and there’s a blue streak trailing behind me

but I am burning red hot and melting things around me

and laughter erupts and shoots past my lips

and my eyes are shining brighter than the sun

I am free and shooting through the galaxy

faster and faster I go

until I’ve passed through all of time and space

and I’ve found the beginning

before time was a thing

before thought was born

and all I was doing was laying there with you

my body pressed up tight to yours

and the sun is shining down on us

and we’re bathed in greens and blues

and with every pass of my fingertips

and the rise of your gooseflesh

we told another story

about that time before time began

when everything was bright and shiny new

and the thunderings in our hearts

were the song that began the beginning and the end.

To begin and end

light bleeding into darkness…

Untrapped

Day off, sun shining

hair clean and makeup on

and I’m sitting in front of my laptop

music plays and I’m hoping for something

to make sense

trapped in the city

suffocating on exhaust fumes

lights blinking and twinkling

and I never see the fucking stars anymore

constant humming of electricity that flows through

and we forget we are made with electricity

we are power and life and vitality

but we eat our crap

and suck on our happiness

and there’s nothing

because its all a trap

do this

do that

and I’m still here missing the stars

and the buzz of insects

and the smell of earth

and I’m soon to turn the ignition and start my car

drive along the burning asphalt

and when can I let my bare feet sink into the grass?

and lay in the sunshine

and be held close to your chest

and listen to the rumble of your voice

as you tell me wonderfully fantastic dreams

my hand held in yours and we’re dreaming

and we’re alive and loving and life is good

and life is life

not made up

not a trap

and I feel free when your lips are tasting mine

and my eyes are closed

and the world falls away

and this would be life

without all the traps

 

ghost

Its that time of night when I’m contemplating life

and the curtains are drawn and the light is glowing

softly in the corner

and I’ve got violins in my ears playing the soundtrack

to the movie I have playing in my head

as I feel the euphoria of another day lived

and the few hours I got to spend dreaming about you

and I’ve got my hands dancing stretched above my head

and I’m praising the beauty of your face

and the angle with which my gaze traced your smile

as I hid around the corner and dreamt about forever

and I can’t tell you of the joy that beats through my heart

and the surprise I feel when it jumps and starts

when I imagine we’re finally happy

and my blood is screaming through my veins

and there’s a stupid smile on my face

thinking about the way a fire sprang to life

as I passed you by, almost touching

it left a trail, a shadow of the ghost of the moment

when we almost did but didn’t

and the cymbal crashes through my head

when I remember I can’t tell you

or dance for you

I can’t smile and laugh and it can’t be for you

even if its all I ever want

and now the sick yellow light of the lamp

is peeling along the walls

staining the memory of day

and I’m happy I can love you in this way

even when we’ll not be forever

or ever

or now

god, and the sounds of the violins are climbing higher

and the movie is coming to its tragic end

and life is not a dream

its something else entirely

and I’ll be crying a river of woe

in the morning

remembering to forget the happy hour

until I’m dreaming of forever

 

Fearly

If I don’t follow my fears

how will I ever know

the point and the pain

in which I can change?

How can I obsess about

the fire burning in your eyes

and the flames and heat that lick up

from the skin you hide in?

I see you there, my darkest ambition

and I would fall to knees and worship

humiliated and degraded

by a whim of reckless danger

And here I am

waiting and dreaming

obsessed with desire

I want you to change me

tear me down

until I’m nothing

And I would follow you

pulled tight by the tether

the heat and the fire of you

and I’m waiting desperately

for your breath to fall upon my lips

giving me new words to fill up my chest

A new chapter of destiny

obsessed with the guiding of flames and light

my response to only you

and you could be the blemish of shadow

staining my blue and fractured soul.

So I follow my fears and I follow you

reaching out with tentative fingertips

slowly pressing into

treacherous terrain.

Uncertain of the end

the pain that breaks me

And seeing it in your eyes

 

 

 

 

 

 

reaching

 

from somewhere inside

I’m sorry they hurt you little baby girl

but I have you now

and I want to show you the stars

and all the space between

show you that that life you lived

was nothing but a dream

and all that time I waited for you to look up

and look upon me

holding out my hand

to guide you through the murky lands

where the sun never fully rose

and it never fully set

and the rains never came

but the ground was always wet

and your feet got stuck

I’m here now

to take you back to the beginning

of who you were

and everything you are

and everything you forgot you could be