Thinking of other things

“I’m waiting” he said.

“For what?”

“For you to grow a brain.” I traced his perfect lips with my lingering gaze.

The way he forms the words and pushes them away with breath and tongue.

“To think of other things.” His beautiful dark eyes begging me to understand.

But how? What other things are so important?

When his beauty is a sonnet that throbs within me.

What other things are as captivating as the feel of his skin against mine?

What other things are better than studying the way he breathes

Or if his nostrils flare when he’s angry

Or how I feel when he’s inside me

Or how he laughs and his eyes crinkle just so

What else is more important than understanding what eternity feels like when he’s holding my hand

And what is more important than I am more me when I am breathing his air

And can someone please tell me what other things are more important than understanding this universe that made me made me for him?

And when I feel the vibration of the universe’s answer to my prayers coming through the speakers, what is better than being reminded I gave away my heart and soul?

What can I think of that’s more important than the way my molecules have come to be so that I can lay with my feet pressed to his feet?

What’s more important than forgetting about ego and just being?

Adrift in the chaos of the expanding universe and I am eternally his?

So, I try to think of other things.

How the butterflies have come and sip the nectar from the flowers by day.

How the ground feels soft beneath my feet after it rains.

How I enjoy the smiles of strangers I meet in the store.

Wondering what memories that drop of water holds as its fallen apart and reformed over and over since the beginning of time.

How that child will eventually grow into a man and I hope his heart is strong enough to survive it.

But nothing feels more important than remembering how time split open and my soul was his and he was mine and I saw forever swaying back and forth in his eyes.

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I’m not ready

I don’t think I’m right for this

You see?

It’s like a wave is crashing over me

And darkness is all that I can see

And I’m not fighting this

I don’t want to break the surface

Set myself free

I’m loving being drowned

Loving that I love him

And I’m in a certain current

And the world is spinning around me

And here I have the choice

To kick up and reach a hand for help

Or stay beneath

Being slowly crushed to death

Eyes closed tight

and I can almost taste his lips

Heartbeat a steady rhythm

And I can almost feel his breath

So, no, I’m not right for this

And there’s no obligation

that I should live

Without all this

And I’m not coming up for air

When I can almost see his face…

 

Future behaviours

I tried today to be the norm

To sit a while and enjoy some company

Failing to find some witty banter

Failing to stumble upon a common ground

Failing to enjoy a moment of broken solitude

I can’t

I simply cannot be bothered

Not enough to care

About the bonfires I will miss

Or all the beers I could drown my sorrows in

I will not miss the everyday trivialities

The everyday drama sucking life away from the simple minded

I just want the sunsets and a beach a song blown to me

A message from the universe

An understanding that less is so much more

And a soul to stand beside my own

As time riddles itself into knots

Bending and twisting yesterday into tomorrow

And tomorrow Into forevermore

 

Sleepless

Have you ever been so afraid to fall asleep

To hear the voices telling you

The truths that shred your heart in two

And you wake up in a panic telling yourself no

And your mind is a wreck of tangled blankets

All wrapped up and smothering your waking moments

I cut my fingers to let the voices out

I hold my breath whenever they start to shout

And I stay awake as long as I can

Drown myself in awfully written books

Losing my will to live in the flickering light of the t.v.

Slowly strangling myself to catch a break

And maybe next I’ll try a bridge and learn to fly

Above the flowing river that swells

A rampage of fear I’ve been dwelling in

I love you

More than the moon loves the sun

I love you

More than Elon Musk loves space

More than a baker bakes

More than my heart can take

And with shaky fingers

I press and scratch and tear and rake

To that sacred space inside

Where MY love for you abides

And I pull and pull until it’s finally free

All this love I have inside of me

Blood dripping from my fingertips

Pulse still gently throbbing and I press

my heart into your waiting hands

You keep it

And I’ll keep this burning hole

This gaping wound inside my chest

The raw and aching place I loved you best.

Dying Dreams

Today is a dark day

A day of death

My dreams and wishes had

Their chance to breathe and grow

And in his arms I found a truth

Adam, in his garden of Eden

Was the talking snake

Hungering for more

The devil was a human after all

Burning with hell in his chest

The same way I do now

And those two minutes I stole from time

All I will ever remember

Of the heaven I cherished with

The sweetness of his lips pressed to mine

How perfectly our bodies felt

Pressed close

Two perfect circles entwined

Today I learn to bask in the fires of hell

My punishment for wanting more than I should.