Exploring

I find myself needing to explore these

feelings?

I’m having a hard time

because this situation is unique

and weird

its disconcerting

and my balance is fucking off

I literally do not know where I stand

and I’m trapped beneath this avalanche

but its still in motion

and I’m spinning wildly

and being buried and smothered

and I have something caught in my throat

and it burns and aches

but I’ve cried and cried until the river ran out of water

and I’m stuck with this choking

and my breathing is labored

and I’m afraid

so terribly lost and all alone

and I’m still expected to be happy?

but all my dreams of love and lust

and happy together

are somewhere trapped in gray

And it hurts so goddamned bad

I wanted that man

the one I dreamed about

and I made silly wishes on shooting stars

and I stayed up all night just to catch glimpses of them

Just trying to make enough wishes

so I could have him

I wanted that man who said he loved me

and that man who held me in his arms

and when I looked into his eyes I saw it

it was there

burning like suns and lighting up my whole world

and I wanted that man

the one I wished for

to want me by his side

and he couldn’t live without me

and every mile between us

was an ache inside his heart

and he needed to hear my voice telling him I loved him

in the quiet dark of the night

when the world is still

and we’re together

just a breath away

but here I am

fighting to find a moments peace

so I can find a way to rest

because his body isn’t here

no warm skin

no chest to rest my head upon

no heart beat to lull me to sleep

and he’s gone away

a pillow beneath his head

and dreams

he gets to dream

sleep a friend he never missed

days full of sunshine and laughter and love

and not a moment of loneliness

and he doesn’t need me to tell him I love him

he doesn’t need to hear my voice

and he doesn’t open his mouth

he doesn’t say the words to set me free

and I’m trying to take back all the wishes

every single one

and they’re getting stuck inside my throat

the stars I’m calling back from the dark cold sky

and they’re cutting me and filling me

and did I mention how fucking bad this hurts?

He still says I love you

hasn’t noticed I can’t say it back

I wonder if his world is gray or black

does he hurt inside like he’s dying

or if he feels nothing at all

and could he just open his lips

and let the words slash their way across the ocean

to come and carve out what is left of my heart

so I can die smothered under this avalanche of gray

freeze in this frozen tundra

alone and wrapped in pain

all my dreams of sunshine

soft kisses and loving whispered words

melting to black.

A clean and empty slate.

Something final.

Just open your mouth and say the words

and cut the line and set me free

Or tell me this has all been a dream

and that you’re coming back to me

to once again lay beside me

dream beside me

laugh beside me

just be beside me

Like we’d been planning all along.

Ease this pain inside me

or kill me swift and sure

don’t just leave me

with questions

burning holes inside me.

 

 

 

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Author: doing2016

I started writing when I was very young. Then I was mortified on a bus full of people when one of my stories was read aloud. I lost my focus and quit. Now, I'm trying to find my voice and my ambition. I love to write, good or bad. So, I'm doing it here and now. Thank you.

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