Empty Night

the girl awoke, sometime in the middle of the night.

She awoke to sweaty sheets and cold air,

and the empty bed.

The girl wandered around the empty rooms,

empty.

And when the girl stepped outside for a smoke,

she listened to the empty night.

And she was awake.  More awake than she’d been.

Leaving the dreams of girlhood behind.

Awake and lonely in the night,

the girl forgave the lie the earth had gave her.

Lies of passion that warmed her blood.

The girl forgave hope, for ever being constant.

She forgave herself for dreaming for so long.

She forgave the words the people spoke.

She forgave the world for telling her of love.

For in the empty cold aired night,

awake and silent, she listened to her heart.

The girl listened to the echoes of the lies she had told herself.

The lies she wrapped around herself and colored her vision.

And she stepped away from the hazy daydream world.

The girl looked into the eyes of when she became.\

Abandoning the warmth and the light,

she let the ice and cold cover her and fill her lungs.

Standing and staring into forever, the dark her home.

 

Offerings

“Do you want me?”

In that moment she’s looking at him from another angle.

Her eyes filtered, and blurry, like a faded polaroid.

Her heartbeat slows, down to just a trickle.

But her ears hadn’t deceived her, as he sat there offering himself.

Stunned, she answers honestly, her eyes unfocused, just barely perceiving how his arms hung over the side of the chair.

“This was supposed to be a game.”

He doesn’t say a word.  Just sits there, his eyes layering her with his truths.

He didn’t hide, and she stared, spellbound.

she stared into his eyes and gave him her truth.

Of how she craved the life he offered.

How she ached eternally for that tiny spot in his universe.

Of how she had despaired of finding a kindred soul.

One who understood the depth she was willing to go.

Offering her everything and more.

He knew in that moment, he had her.

Her devotion, her worship, her obedience.

and she knew that he would always take care of her.

Take care of her feelings, cherish her heart for the gift it  was.

The only thing she had to offer him.

Wonderful

do you remember that day in the sun?

When we walked hand in hand?

Hand in fucking hand,

with our palms pressed together,

Like our hearts were pressed together?

Does such a simple thing mean nothing to you?

And here I thought it was wonderful.

Beautiful and wonderful,

a dream come true.

And that day you made me laugh,

and I cried with the sunlight shining in my hair.

I was so happy, and the day was so perfect.

How my feet would follow yours,

slowly through the soft green grass.

And my palm was pressed to yours,

while our fingers held on tight.

And it was wonderful.

Do you remember how your smile made me fall in love?

And when you pulled me close,

my body softly resting against yours,

Your lips found mine,

and our hearts were pressed together,

just the same way our palms were pressed together.

In the sun, we were together,

and we were happy,

and it was wonderful.

waiting and dying

What am I doing?

Waiting for you

waiting for you

I’m waiting for you

and that love that I need from you

and I can’t stop

I can’t stop

dreaming of you

and everything we’ve been through

and if it’s over

dead and over

I’ll find blue skies

letting go

letting go of you

goodbye…….

goodbye my love

may my death be a farewell gift to you

Fairy tale

And the girl was left there in the night

dreaming and wishing and whispering prayers,

A tiara of fantasy adorned her noble head

and the starlight reminisced and wept throughout her soul.

and out there in the night, the wind blew kisses

landing softly on her pretty lips.

but it was the moonlight that gave her away

as it swam and shimmered glowing in her tears.

And somewhere there were eyes empty and cold that watched

and she prayed the walls would disappear,

but the shadows grew longer as the walls grew higher

and she shivered in the cold where she made her wishes

but the man remained still and cold, only watching.

And when she grew old and frail from the night,

her dreams falling left and right,

the man finally showed a single emotion,

a snarl upon his lip in satisfaction,

as the starlight finally faded and the windblown kisses

blew through the cracks where her soul was splintered,

and still she stood there, beneath the night

sinking slowly beneath the earth, to lie in wait

for the light and warmth to thaw her sweet frozen prince.

She stayed inside the cavern the earth had made

with her tiara balanced just so with smudges of dirt

and stains of grass upon her dress,

mourning her love and her life and wishing and praying

and making new songs for the universe to hear,

sending her love in wave after wave

til one day her prince will remember

and rescue her from her melancholy.

alone

I caught myself speeding up and passing other cars

a need to hasten to be where you are,

and then I realized I was racing faster than I should

and there isn’t anything special about empty walls.

There’s nothing special about the echoes of laughter,

and I can’t help to think of how we’ve fought,

and made up and loved each other again and again.

And there I was, frantically speeding down the road

to the ghosts and emptiness that swallow me whole.

So I slow my pace and watch the headlights swim past,

let them go fast around me to their happy destinations.

and when I turned onto our road, I crept and crawled

trying not to hurry to the place you left me all alone

to the empty bed where I can feel the ghost of your body

and I can still smell you in my sheets.

The bed’s too new and I’m bereft of the imprint of you.

Where are you and who’s hearing your voice and sharing your laughter?

How shall I pass the winter cold?

There’s nothing warm to hold me dear, no arms or legs or soles pressed tight to mine.

No kisses or heartbeats shared.

And I arrive at the door, with my keys in my hand,

I’m frozen still, just trying to listen to the echo of your memory.

Your footsteps on the floor, or your voice through the door,

but there is nothing, you’re not here anymore.

I’ve made it past the threshold, we’ve crossed so many times,

my hand in your hand, my heart in your pocket.

I’m inside now, locked up tight,

sad and sick I wait out the night,

and I know I’ll be awake at 2, just like I always do,

waiting for you.

but you’re not coming here,

and I have no home, just a ruin.

 

Don’t cry

IMG_0295.JPGI’ve been sad for a while now.  I haven’t wanted to talk about it.

I’m insecure as fuck.  I’m filled with doubt.

What I want most I’m most afraid of.

Right now I’m so afraid of everything.

I’m feeling so alone, and I’m terrified of feeling this.

And its in the way he didn’t make love to me,

or kiss me hard before he left.  Just gone with barely a goodbye.

And he’ll tell me I didn’t deserve it.

And I’ll rationalize that insanity until it makes sense.

Just try to make sense.

but I know it doesn’t make sense.

It never will.

I sobbed and I cried the last time he was inside of me.

I knew it was the last time and that he wouldn’t touch me again.

He never said a word.

While my soul was fracturing, he stayed silent and distant.

There was nothing passionate about the last moment,

before he disappeared and left me.

I think I’m saddest about that.  It was nothing.

And he told me not to cry because that would embarrass him.

I said I wouldn’t.  And he smiled and left.

I’m so confused and uncomfortable within this skin.