Desire

He thinks I’m a nihilist

that I don’t believe in anything

that my mind is tiny

and narrow

and small

he thinks I have no mind at all

I do believe

I believe in at least one thing

I believe in desire

There would be nothing

without desire

There would be no more than what was

there would be no now

without the beginning

there will be no end

without the beginning

and in the beginning

there was desire

desire for more

desire for something else

something that wasn’t there before

desire for a feeling

a touch a taste a smell

desire to expand into space

and a desire to fit in his heart

a desire to grow and understand

a desire for the universe

that created me to

understand my desires

I believe to desire is to be

fully conscious

fully aware

fully awake

and fully alive.

I desire more

every day

this desire created everything

with creation itself.

 

Sorry

I’m sorry I’m so in love with you

I just want to tell you, a million times a day

In every word I say

and every insecurity that gets in my way

I love you

and I’m crazy in love, with a dizzy head

and an aching chest full of heated breath

I love you and I’m sorry, but I’ve hidden you

behind eyelids

And I’m sorry I love your octopus legs

and the way you make me laugh

and how I doubt my own sanity

and when I tear into myself, it tears into you

And I’m sorry I love you so much I make you mad

and I’m sorry I make you yell, but I love it

I love the madness I take us to

and I love how you stay up and you can’t sleep

and I’m sorry, but that’s just more time

and I think you should know and understand

I love you so much, and I’m not sorry.

I love you more with each new you I discover

and I’m going to cut and slice until

I see the heart within, strong and beautiful and mine.

 

Faith in Trust

I remember when faith meant truth

I remember how it felt

alive…………

until that moment with your duplicitous life

and I saw that even the man

with the “Voice of Truth,”

talking loud and strong, verses rang out

truth was lifted high, and then I saw

the lie you couldn’t hide behind your eyes

And you stood up there, dead with disbelief

Remembering to when faith held the truth

and in your innocence you couldn’t see the betrayal

Just a pretty picture you looked at once

got so close you could smell the paint

paradise………………..

Now you see what I see

the demons dressed in human clothing

beautiful smiles and venom saliva

We’re trapped inside

and we’re cold inside

and we’re dying inside

turns out, surprises

the lie is truth.

And the truth, all along the beautiful truth,

that was the betrayal.  That was the lie.

The way I do

I’m smart enough to know that only I love like I do

and no matter how much I love you

in the way that I do

that I will always have a part of me

that is desperately lonely

craving that love that only I would recognize

Like recognizing crazy simply because I understand crazy

But that love only exists in me

and I’m the only one who understands it

and how hopeless it is to hope beyond all hope

that I would recognize it in someone else

or that someone would completely understand it

and dive into that pool so deep and vast

We’d both be happy to drown in it

and wallow in nothing else

forgetting everyone and everything else

because in this love we live

in another universe where no one else can come,

so I will love you the only way that I know how

knowing I’m the only one to love as I do

and I will embrace the loneliness

and hopelessness and search until forever

until time ends and nothing else exists

and I’m forced to realize

I’m the only one..

Alone in love with love.

forgotten

Dreams used to be filled

with full magical moons

and fairy tale dreams

Dreams in vivid color

and every detail

a windswept cursive sigh

but now, the moon just sits there

and doesn’t say a thing

and in my chest where hope used to burn

a big burning hole

sits an empty cave

dust motes floating on the last

lingering moonbeams

and when one landed in my open eye

a memory long forgotten

fell back into my soul

and hooked me deep

scraping along the edges

opening fissures in the dark

could time stand still for just a minute

and let me catch my breath

and could I find the desire to believe

and see the magic in the world

again as I did once before

with innocence

with hope that dragons do exist

and I felt that I was special

hiding secrets inside the layers of the earth

folded and creased up and buried under mountains

where maybe this magic is sleeping and hiding

waiting for someone to believe again

fantasies coming true

and the good guys are the bad guys

stealing hearts and kisses in the dark

where dreams are filled with all things

trust and doubt and desire and everything

in between

but then I blinked and then memory faded away

and I forgot again how to dream

and the ghost of the dream was stained

to the walls of my mind

a picture left in the background

blurry and undefined.

the moon’s unrelenting silence

words got stuck in my throat

as time whirled out of control

and the last dream died

bone wind chimes echo and mock

in the dry and dusty hollow cave

where I’m tortured with nightmares

of when you were mine.

 

 

 

 

Escape

I’m sitting here, contemplating things.

Like if I peeled the skin back, just there.

Right between the veins, Could my soul escape?

Could I do it? Set it free?

Where would it go?

Maybe for a time, hang out with me,

watch me bleed.

But then it would be gone

To go wherever free souls go,

And there I would be,

alone and cold on the floor.

And maybe in a flash my soul would come,

and shove itself back into me.

I would be saved just in time.

Maybe while she was gone she saw some miracle.

A glimpse of me and who I’m supposed to be.

Maybe with a smile upon my face,

and a blush that stains my cheeks.

And maybe my eyes are dreamy big moonbeams,

my lip caught between teeth in vigorous uncertainty.

Maybe, its the future and I have something to live for,

Maybe its more heartache and pain,

maybe its love

maybe its lust

and I am who I’m going to be

she’s in me

somewhere

Fantasy

When the stars were shining

I was lying in the dark

arms spread wide

fingers tracing patterns on the sheets

and I had the music playing

the song it makes me think

of you standing at the door

and how my heart would pound

in tandem with each slow kncok

against the wood

and my lips are throbbing

and my knees are weak

and I can’t get enough air

Oh, what would I do

if I found you there

so fucking hot you set the air on fire

just waiting

and would I burn in the hell of your eyes

turn to ash with the searing heat of your lips?

The fan it lazily pushes the air above me

while the window is open

and I wish it was your fingertips

and your lips brushing kisses

across my naked skin

as I’m heavy and slow and lethargic

lost in the feeling

and this is me dreaming

of you

with your breath in my ear

my fingers buried in your hair

and speaking in tongues.

My fantasies are safe

buried  in the dark

the stars illuminating

this forbidden dream of you.