Silent Night

And in the night

when the world is silent

and the air is heavy

you can’t sleep

you just sit and feel

with the bedroom light

softly illuminating all your fears

and the silence softly tears

as a car passes

slowly through the dark street

Your heart is screaming

and your hands are shaking

The world shifting and shaping around you

absorbing and reflecting all the demons

haunting the shadows behind your eyes

And on the wall a fire grows

They dance and They smile

and they mock and they tease

and you beg on your knees

“Please!”

“please..”

“Don’t leave me all alone.”

And the misery is staining the bed sheets

A place you used to breathe

and dreams they encouraged

you to take a leap and jump

and fly……

And so you did

and you were real

but this is the silence in the night

and you sit there shaking

and you remember

how that arrow struck

and you were left behind

and you cried out “No!”

But there was no one left to listen

and in this darkness where you sit

clutching at the silence with trembling fingers

you sit there with your demons

and they’re your only friends

as you scream and laugh and cry

but inside your bones already dust

and your heart is gone without a trace

and you’re less than a faded memory

hanging on the clothesline and dancing in the breeze

somewhere between death

and the welcome disruption of hell.

 

 

Advertisements

Unwanted

It’s intolerable

being buried under

and lifted high

and grotesquely molested

by your every deed and thought

as though its heavy

as though you were right

as though it ever fucking mattered

You can take your God bless you’s in the bathroom stalls

you can fake your Heaven is calling for me’s

you can take all of your unjust and unholy

dirty deeds and shove them where god forgot to look

And wipe it clean with a page of the most unholy book

the one you pretend to read

and you think you have a thought

but instead I feel

it’s your idiocy banging against my skull

and it breaks and I bleed and I want to end it all

start this world anew

begin a new day

in a new way

And make them pay where they sit in luxury

and steal the energy,

the innocence

take the highway of the bandits

raping and killing with your righteous

right hand hidden under

holding tight and I’m pissed at the injustice

Pious heads bowed in

eyes gleaming glinting evil intentions

and I can’t breathe under this blanket you spread over me

every time you utter sacrilege with your tongue

You don’t understand life and you can’t understand

You’re the evil one with your broken mind and broken fingers

and broken tongue and you have no right to

force upon me with unwanted glee,

that from which I hastily flee.

I think I’m done now.

I feel better.

I’m less strung out and I’m happy

when your voice is not battering against my walls.

When I’m drifting in bliss

and I’ve forgotten you even exist at all.

 

 

 

 

 

Ball and chain.

I’ve come to a realization tonight.  I am a fucked up mess.  Or at least I was.

You see, I push my guys to cheat.  Its what I do.  I push and push until they have no choice.

I’m rather demanding like that.  I like to get my way.  So if they cheat first, then its okay and expected that I retaliate and cheat too.

Then we both feel the pain.  We bicker and fight and feel the fucking pain.

Somewhere along the way I picked up on this frequency that cheating was the only way I could feel the love.  Otherwise I doubted its existence at all.

Without feeling all the agony  of having my heart ripped from its chest and winning my score too, could I really be in love?

I didn’t used to think so.  Amazingly enough, I believed that nonsense.  In a twisted macabre way, it was the only thing I believed was true.

Fucking lies.  Lies I tell myself.  Lies I listen to and they break my heart.  And I feel the pain.

Like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

Like wearing a heavy ball and chain around my neck every day was fucking normal.

And yet, today, something was different.

As though the weight of this ball and chain shifted and became smaller and weighed no more than a ring around my finger.

My favorite piece of jewelry.

And that pain I anticipate every day fades away to anticipation of your kisses.

And I don’t have to bicker and fight with you.

I just have to love you.

So, I’m on a new frequency now.

With a happier more vibrant note.

Less discord and chaos.

I’m in the quiet of my mind, and I’m not afraid.

And maybe

Just maybe, the saddest thing of all

she was lying to herself

lying for the life she craved

lying just to breathe

she lied and she lied

she lied to the voices in her head

and she lied to the feeling in her gut

she lied to the sun and she lied to the moon

and when the  stars swam by, she smiled a broken smile

and she lied to them as well

She lied that this was heaven

when everyday this was hell

she lied to wake up

and she lied to rest her soul

she lied until the lies ran dry

she lied until there was nothing left

nothing but the truth.

Life and Death

The girl in black swayed in the wind as she stood atop the hill.  She always went to the highest point, where she could gaze down on the world.  Errant noises of city life would drift up to her, and she would sigh in frustration.

Today was no different.  Just another day atop the highest hill above the crowded screaming city.  Having felt frustrated and out of sorts, the girl in black took the hike and clambered to the top.  But today, she lay down in the green grass.

Spreading her arms out to her sides she let the sun place warm kisses upon her cheeks.  Trailing her palms lightly over the blades of grass, she realized how sensitive she was.  The tickling spread across her skin and stretched inside her body.

Soon the girl in black who stretched and sighed upon the grass atop the hill above the city forgot about her frustrations and her woes.  She took off her top and lay on the grass, to feel it scratching and poking and teasing the skin of her back.

She writhed and stretched and gloried in the feelings of her nerve ending waking up, and she laughed as her skirt bunched up around her hips and the grass began to tickle her thighs and calves.

And somewhere hidden atop this hill beyond the loud uncaring city sat a man, who was dark and brooding with long lashes and lips of sin.  He sat with a pen he used to scratch words onto a lone and windblown sheet of paper.  Agonizing over each syllable that bled from the pen.

Slowly, he became distracted from his dark and sullen thoughts.  As each word became farther and distant from his mind, his focus shifted to the sound of low and throaty laughter.  Something bothered him about this noise.  Something that made him stand and turn.  Something that told him he must investigate its source.

Weaving and swaying in the wind, he wound his way through the boulders and the trees to find a sight most beguiling to his astonished eyes.  There before him, close to the edge of a sheer cliff lay a girl half clad in black, exultantly alive and playing in the grass.

As the dark and brooding man hid himself as best he could behind a half dead tree, he watched as the girl slowly faded from joyful laughter to something slower and more intense as she rolled from her back to her stomach.

He watched in fascination as the girl still stretched and rubbed herself upon the grass.  Watched as she pushed herself up, just enough so only her nipples were caressed and teased by the green fingers of grass.  He watched as her face became bewildered and indecision furrowed her brow.

Pausing for a moment, the girl in black pondered what was happening to her body and how much tension she fought to let go.  Gently laying back down on to her stomach the girl breathed in the rich aroma of the earth.  Felt the grass abrade her fine skin the stretched taut across her stomach and rubbed her thighs to catch every fleeting scratch and tear.

The man who failed with words upon finding such a vision, prayed to whoever would listen that the girl in black would make the best decision and pull herself together and go.  But somewhere not so far and not so deep inside he wished she would continue.  Watching this resplendent creature writhe upon the earth in such shameless glory gave his blood new fire.

And so a moment crept by as she made her choice and he sent his prayers and made his wishes.  He watched as she pushed herself up slightly once more, just to brush her nipples through the grass.  And he watched as she bit her lip and closed her eyes, and listened for the soft sighs and crept a bit closer, dazed and confused as she reached down to pull her skirt a little higher.

Kneeling down the man began to crawl, slow and steady did he watch this girl as her fingers began to glide along the sensitive skin of her inner thigh and her breasts swaying back and forth across the green grass.

Rolling to her side to face the sun, the girl in black gave into her basic needs.  Her ardor for life and living and all things good and pure took her to this place.  With her hand between her thighs and her skin bathed in the pleasures of the earth, she set a slow and steady pace.  While the man crept forward like a shadow, mesmerized.

Unable to stop his fingers from reaching out to take, his fingertips found warm and soft skin.  Trailing a path of fiery lust from ankle to knee, the man began again.  And traced a second path upon the bare and vulnerable skin from inner calf to inner thigh with nothing but his wet and thirsty tongue.

And the girl in black lay back with her breasts pressed into the grass and raised her hips in wanton fashion.  There were shadows trailing kisses along her body and she was too delighted with the new sensations to even care.  All she knew were the building waves that would soon be pummeling her back into the earth.  All she lived for was the moment she broke into a million different parts and stole the sunshine from the sky.

And as the man who was dark and brooding was filled with fire, his hands began to shift and shape and mold the girl in black.  She turned and stretched and writhed beneath his touch, until she was on her back and his lips were on her breasts and his hands between her thighs, petting and palming and caressing and kneading.

And on his knees he pushed and sank until he was buried inside the body that gave such life and light.  While his lips sipped and drank what her body had to offer, she took his fire and his power and somehow gave him new words to study and ponder.

And as the sun began to fall behind the shadow of the earth, she opened her eyes to see the dark and brooding man.  His eyes were yellowed like an old and weathered page of a book, and hidden inside was a demon possessed with finding life again.

Finally as the stars began to break across the sky, the girl in black and the dark and brooding man Came together with one last thrust, crying out their cosmic bliss, so loud and long the city below became silent just to listen.  Hearts beat heavy and bloods ran hot and soon the city was ablaze with red hot lust.

And the brooding man held the girl in black as the constellations burned the night sky.  Tracing new words into her skin with fingertips and lips and lashes and tongue.  Every word a brand into the skin that felt the life the earth held within.

Death had come to work a spell.  Life had come and given a miracle.  Life and Death lie entwined somewhere on a grassy hill between heaven and hell.

Hide

some days I’m so afraid of pain, I’ll do anything to avoid it

other days, I want to fling myself through a window

and watch my blood flow

watch as the red soaks the ground

but today I’m snatching back all the droplets

shoving them back inside

and gathering them close

crouching low and far from windows

to sit in shadows that hide me from the world.