Suicide

I’m drunk

Can’t decide why I’m still alive

Past the point of whatever

Can’t turn back

It’s a nightmare

Smelling roses in the dark

Who am I?

Ego

And if I’m nothing but ego

Does anything really matter at all

Can’t say for sure

It’s all empty this and empty that

Rules we tell ourselves are good for us

No connection

And I can’t decide if I’m alive looking at the stars

Maybe I’m dead already

Made my mind up to leave this planet

rules are stupid

I want to be the moonlight on the water

I want your laughter all around me

I don’t really want to be

I don’t really give a fuck anymore

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If I call

Can you hear me? When I call for you?

Can you hear me through all this sound? Through the traffic noise.

The sigh of the breeze through the canopy trees?

Can I cash this check? Cash in all my credits.

Will you follow me over the bridge?

Get to the other side, throw a stick of dynamite over my shoulder, leave it destroyed?

Can I live across the way from you? The river of tears that flows between us?

Will you come find me in the night if I call for your help?

Can I leave my pride at the door and borrow your sorrow? Let me sink deep inside.

Can I press my fingers to your face, fingertips trailing the path your sadness takes?

Can we sit together, shoulder to shoulder, your boulder my boulder?

Can you find me through all this mess?

Help me I’ll call and I’ll say.

If I call I’ll say help me, help me, and I’ll help you….

Can I wear this just a bit longer?

Tears as vibrant as a slash of red lipstick

Sorrow as blue as the sky

Broken pieces lying on the floor?

Can I wear it with a dignity deep as a river

A burn of sun-kissed skin

An echo of a story old as time

Cold fingers trailing the fence line

Can I stay here just a bit longer

Where love was a smile

Just another song on the radio?

A whisper of how we used to touch?

Can I stay inside the lie I believed

A forever pouring out of me

The night sky spinning around me?

Can I stay here for just a bit more

Waking in your favor

Sighing I love you tomorrow past my lips?

I’m letting it pour out of me

But there was so much

So much more

So let me sit, just a minute more

Reflections of bruises

All I have left.

Ambient soul

Does it bother you, with my insomniac heart

To think of your ambient nostalgic soul?

Does it hurt, when my mind lingers on a tattered page too long?

Are you exorcised with every panicked breath?

If I slide my paper cut finger across my lips, will you feel it?

If I was a fire burning out of control, would you let me swallow you whole?

Just one last time, would you let me be so bold to worship you?

Kneel before you and beseech you with my tongue?

Scrape my teeth against your skin?

Would you close your eyes and sigh?

Would you look me in the eyes?

Take your pleasure while my fingertips traced sorrow along your spine?

Would you tell me your coming with your breath in my mouth?

Would you let me love you with despair in my heart?

Could you forgive me? My insomniac heart?

Starts and stops

How many how many how many

Starts and stops and stuttering breaths

Starts and stops my heart thumping in my chest

Starts and stops and I’m reconciling reconciling reconciling there’s nothing left

How many starts and stops before it stops

Licking the tears from off my lips

How many starts and stops and I’m hesitating breath trapped in my lungs

How many how many how many days til I can see anything but your face

Starts and stops sunlight filtering through the trees

Puckered clenching throbbing racing through my veins

Start the day

Stop the day

Start the day

Stop the day day day

Pull my blanket over my face

Stop the day

Thinking of other things

“I’m waiting” he said.

“For what?”

“For you to grow a brain.” I traced his perfect lips with my lingering gaze.

The way he forms the words and pushes them away with breath and tongue.

“To think of other things.” His beautiful dark eyes begging me to understand.

But how? What other things are so important?

When his beauty is a sonnet that throbs within me.

What other things are as captivating as the feel of his skin against mine?

What other things are better than studying the way he breathes

Or if his nostrils flare when he’s angry

Or how I feel when he’s inside me

Or how he laughs and his eyes crinkle just so

What else is more important than understanding what eternity feels like when he’s holding my hand

And what is more important than I am more me when I am breathing his air

And can someone please tell me what other things are more important than understanding this universe that made me made me for him?

And when I feel the vibration of the universe’s answer to my prayers coming through the speakers, what is better than being reminded I gave away my heart and soul?

What can I think of that’s more important than the way my molecules have come to be so that I can lay with my feet pressed to his feet?

What’s more important than forgetting about ego and just being?

Adrift in the chaos of the expanding universe and I am eternally his?

So, I try to think of other things.

How the butterflies have come and sip the nectar from the flowers by day.

How the ground feels soft beneath my feet after it rains.

How I enjoy the smiles of strangers I meet in the store.

Wondering what memories that drop of water holds as its fallen apart and reformed over and over since the beginning of time.

How that child will eventually grow into a man and I hope his heart is strong enough to survive it.

But nothing feels more important than remembering how time split open and my soul was his and he was mine and I saw forever swaying back and forth in his eyes.

I’m not ready

I don’t think I’m right for this

You see?

It’s like a wave is crashing over me

And darkness is all that I can see

And I’m not fighting this

I don’t want to break the surface

Set myself free

I’m loving being drowned

Loving that I love him

And I’m in a certain current

And the world is spinning around me

And here I have the choice

To kick up and reach a hand for help

Or stay beneath

Being slowly crushed to death

Eyes closed tight

and I can almost taste his lips

Heartbeat a steady rhythm

And I can almost feel his breath

So, no, I’m not right for this

And there’s no obligation

that I should live

Without all this

And I’m not coming up for air

When I can almost see his face…