Have you ever been so afraid to fall asleep

To hear the voices telling you

The truths that shred your heart in two

And you wake up in a panic telling yourself no

And your mind is a wreck of tangled blankets

All wrapped up and smothering your waking moments

I cut my fingers to let the voices out

I hold my breath whenever they start to shout

And I stay awake as long as I can

Drown myself in awfully written books

Losing my will to live in the flickering light of the t.v.

Slowly strangling myself to catch a break

And maybe next I’ll try a bridge and learn to fly

Above the flowing river that swells

A rampage of fear I’ve been dwelling in


I love you

More than the moon loves the sun

I love you

More than Elon Musk loves space

More than a baker bakes

More than my heart can take

And with shaky fingers

I press and scratch and tear and rake

To that sacred space inside

Where MY love for you abides

And I pull and pull until it’s finally free

All this love I have inside of me

Blood dripping from my fingertips

Pulse still gently throbbing and I press

my heart into your waiting hands

You keep it

And I’ll keep this burning hole

This gaping wound inside my chest

The raw and aching place I loved you best.

Dying Dreams

Today is a dark day

A day of death

My dreams and wishes had

Their chance to breathe and grow

And in his arms I found a truth

Adam, in his garden of Eden

Was the talking snake

Hungering for more

The devil was a human after all

Burning with hell in his chest

The same way I do now

And those two minutes I stole from time

All I will ever remember

Of the heaven I cherished with

The sweetness of his lips pressed to mine

How perfectly our bodies felt

Pressed close

Two perfect circles entwined

Today I learn to bask in the fires of hell

My punishment for wanting more than I should.

Sweet Lucifer

Sweet Lucifer

With your golden horns upon your head

You heard my call

My one remaining wish

And like a scorpion you embedded it with poison

As it left your fingertips

And me a starving woman

Dazzled by its beauty

I took the gift you gave to me

Even as the world turned gray

And behind the smiles that came with it

The happiness I gained

There was always a prick of insanity

Poking into me

And as I dove into my happiness

The shadows behind me grew heavy

But I kept my eyes forward

Desiring my prize

And I thank you

For giving me one more taste

As poisoned as it is

For a life worth living

As your darkness climbs over me

To carry the light that is within

To the depths of hell

Where I’ll pay the price

Of being two souls entwined

In that perfect circle of give and take

My breath for his

My soul for a dream.



I’m stealing time

A few more moments

Trapped in a box I made

For living and dreaming

And I am awake

While your eyes are watching mine

This time for now as the minutes tick by

Into tomorrow another time begins

Where the suffering is real again.

the time where I want to die again.

And I remember this time now in the

cold and Frozen winter The Stolen

Moments I kept you close and I’ll

treasure them like tiny diamonds

hidden in the snow.


Rambled in a moment

The worst thing about all this

panic and anxiety and insanity

is that, well fuck, is that it exists

different dimensions of reality

I live for these moments

for when it passes

and I can breathe again

and think again

and I’m totally not freaking out

and I’m thinking about space

and how with our limited perceptions

we can only understand

what  is literally right in front of us

that is all we can perceive

through all of our senses

through emotion

and we’re so limited

in these sacks of skin

with these eyes

and our ears

and our noses always stuck in something

books, gossip, freshly baked cookies

and it comes down to

are you happy?

are you happy blinking away

this time

with your favorite song

and that movie you love

and the people you hug

and the forgiveness you give


ughhh, and I’m rambling here

but I had an idea

maybe I’ll think it over later

and something good will come of it

but only if its whole

I’m not doing broken bits

and fractured moments anymore

I want the whole picture

its a beautiful mesmerizing thing

and I am only part

and so are you

and we’re part of this whole thing

as the human element

and I think we forgot that somehow

but I want you to remember

like I’m remembering now

and it is good

to be whole.